HOW TO SING LIKE A GOLDFISH FOR THE MODERN GENTLEMAN
The Thun (Spoof of The Times)

Austerity Britain: Next James Bond To Sing Own Theme

From Our Movies Correspondent: In an effort to save money, the next James Bond to be hired will sing the theme himself, in one of the most audacious money saving moves in the history of the popular spy movie franchise.

This after Sam Smith only spent 20 minutes writing the latest theme, which was widely heard this week for the first time.

Many compared the new Bond theme to Earth Song by Michael Jackson, with Sam Smith even performing a classic Michael Jackson scream but slowed it down to make it sound like it was words in the song.

Spectre, the latest James Bond movie, is set to open in movie theatres soon.

The martinis continue.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Ten Things Wrong With 007's Spectre' it seems that there were a number of errors: Daniel Craig does not join Sam Smith in singing the theme to Spectre as we claimed. A shaken bottle of beer was the odd one out and not the stirred Martini as we claimed. The answers to the quiz were yes, no, Walther PPK, his privates in a dead pig, and Octopussy's bath water.

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRANDCHILDREN, PART 121: HAVE I JUST BROKEN YOUTUBE AFTER LOADING WINDOWS 10?
East Angrian Daily Times

Local Cat Writes New Bond Theme In Under 20 Minutes

Sammy Tickle, a cat from Layer Under Haye, has written a James Bond theme, his owner and musician contracted to Pinewood Studios announced this morning only hours before Sam Smith revealed his effort Writing on the Wall.

Sammy Tickle's tune was based on some Michael Jackson tune he heard when he slept in the studio one afternoon.

It took Tickles, 2, 17 minutes to write the tune, beating Sam Smith by three minutes.

Critics of the Tickle tune have said that it sounds like the cat is whining in the street when he sings it and its not like a human voice at all.

The whaling continues.

Also In Today's Paper:

Top Ten Best James Bonds

Top One Hundred Best James Bond Villains

Is It Time For A Female James Bond?

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Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I own a Volkswagen diesel and I am flabbergasted at their shenanigans. I thought the Germans got all this stuff out of their system 70 years ago.

Yours, Sheila Bop

Dear Sir,

I am appearing on afternoon television's Politician Makeover today. It was recorded last week. They gave me a Jeremy Corbyn haircut. A David Cameron blusher to give me rosy cheeks, and a Tim Fallon suit.

Yours, Dame Dick Tracy

Dear Sir,

So, England decided to piss away a 10 point lead against Wales in the rugby Saturday? Huh. That sounds like a good nights out drinking in Cardiff to this reviewer.

Yours, Harry Binge