FREE MARIA CAREY FACSIMILE SEQUINED NEW YEAR DRESS FOR EVERY READER
Daily Armstretchograph

Hopes For 2017 'Misplaced', Claims Disasterologist

Fears that someone who died in 2016 had the secret that could stop World War Three starting in 2017 were growing last night, just moments after Big Ben struck midnight and after the last firework had zipped, popped, banged and kerzinged, according to a reveler.

2016, which comes before 2017 chronologically, set the seeds for conflicts in the New Year according to those in the know.

Someone in the aforementioned know wrote: "It would be a tragedy if Prince could have stopped World War Three had he not died. I hear Kim Jong-Un was a big fan."

Top Five reasons 2017 is going to be worse than 2016

1) North Korea's leader Kim Jong-Un to get a Donald Trump haircut

2) Kim Jong-Un to open an official twitter account to engage with Donald Trump

3) Donald Trump gets control of the influential @POTUS Twitter account and engages in Twitter war with Kim Jong-Un, technically becoming the first social media world war between two leaders of nuclear countries.

4) Prince management to release the first of his newly discovered 500 posthumous albums. But they release number 450 in an attempt to wet people's appetite for the earlier better ones. The album goes straight to newspaper freebie.

5) Donald Trump tweets ambiguously about the new Prince album and upsets royal families around the world.

Breaking: Man who claims to have the patent to Donald Trump's hair weave that 'looks so real you could pull it' dies in a mysterious car crash. More to follow.

The 2016 explodes.

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Correction: In yesterday's story: Woman Punched Repeatedly In Head Live On Television In USA it seems there was an error: The woman who was punched repeatedly in the head was in fact world's former toughest woman Rowdy Ronda Rowsey and not 'that woman on Cheers' as we reported. We are happy to set the record straight.

HOW TO SING LIKE MARIA CAREY AT TIMES SQUARE 2016 NEW YEARS EVE
Daily Moan

Robbie Williams And Maria Carey End 2016 On Perfect Notes

Robbie Williams murdering his hits in London, and Maria Carey storming off stage after the man who's only job was to put her voice into her ear failed completely were applauded today by critics for entering into the spirit of ending 2016 how it had been.

"They ended it the way God intended 2016 to end" said one tweeter, who was not the Pope.

Even conspiracy sites applauded the lacklustre musical performances: "The end of 2016 was no time to see Adam Lambert totally nail it with Queen again. "

The 2017 begins.

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Also In Today's Paper:

Maria Carey Lip-synching Glitch Technician: "At least I didn't press pause button"

Robbie Williams Eats Donuts After New Year Party Catastrophe

Robbie Williams Washes Hands Of Performance

HOW TO SING LIKE ROBBIE WILLIAMS NEW YEAR SPECIAL 2016-7
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I do hope Robbie Williams isn't going to sing his apology for his New Year eve show.

Yours, Term Boatload

Dear Sir,

Thank heavens Maria Carey stormed off the stage before 2017 started. 2017 is currently perfect. Let's keep it that way.

Yours, Joan Crawford-Kittens

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Dear Sir,

There was nothing wrong with Robbie Williams performance he was brilliant. I blame Big Ben's bongs for being out of tune.

Yours, Jenny Goodtime