TEN THINGS DONALD TRUMP WILL DO NEXT
Daily Armstretchograph

Foreign Office Install Dartboard And Challenge UKIP

The Foreign Office have announced plans to 'chav down' in an attempt to understand what Brexit is all about, according to a person close to the situation.

Senior civil servants are understood to be 'miffed' at being told they didn't have the expertise to negotiate a truly Brexity Brexit by someone who went to their school and resigned last week.

The official darts event being organised is to include beer instead of fine wines, little Cadbury chocolate lumps instead of Ferrero Rocher and conversations including dropped t's in bitter and football teams. The event is being coordinated to get information out of UKIP members using the diplomatic aplomb the Foreign Office is world renowned for, according to a posh sounding source.

The first darts match will be on the 24th January in London and UKIP invitees have been asked not to bring any snacks with them as it is feared they could stain the cushions.

The Brexit trundles on.

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Correction: In yesterday's story: London Gym Welcomes New January Exercisers with Cream Pies and Coffee To Ease New Patrons Into Doors it seems there was an error: A Pec Deck is an exercise machine in a gym as well as a rapper from the Philippines, we are happy to set the record straight.

HOW TO GET WASHBOARD ABS IN JUST 90 SECONDS (please see full terms and conditions on pages 19,20 and 21 of the newspaper)
Daily Moan

"OOO! STOP! MY BREXIT IS KILLING ME!!" SAYS THERESA MAY IMPERSONATOR

Innuendo and squirty cream were the order of the day when a group of five Theresa May impersonators got together outside the Foreign Office this morning.

Dancing and singing a special Brexit song which they hope to upload to iTunes at some point once they have taken out the particularly libelous innuendos, the dancing May chanteuses say they are ready to help out their hero prime minister anyway they can, such as by doing the filing, making the tea or sorting out any of the more pesky prime minister impersonator negotiators on the European side of the Brexit table.

May, 60, has been Prime Minister now for almost six months and came to fame by keeping a low profile during the Brexit referendum.

Doug Paterson, 71, widely regarded as one of the best Theresa May impersonators, told this newspaper in character: "I've written down ten ideas to help Theresa get the Brexit negotiations off on a positive footing."

The snazzy red shoes continues.

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Scissors Blamed For Local Maria Carey Wardrobe Malfunction Says Mayor

IS IT TIME FOR ANOTHER REFERENDUM ON EUROPE? NO SAYS THIS NEWSPAPER
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

In your excellent article "Theresa May announces plans for Shredded Society in first interview since Brexitgate" the ad for the same trousers as the prime minister was wearing was broken. I cannot wait to pay £995 to look like my favourite Prime Minister of the Millennium so far. Please could you get someone to look into this.

Yours, Amanda Boadica

Dear Sir,

Is Theresa May the first celebrity death of 2017? This official picture in your paper looks like one of those Victorian death pictures.

Theresa May

Yours, Sammy Smalls

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Dear Sir,

I am planning a Brexit party at the end of March 2017, when we trigger Article 50. Does anybody know how to make sausage rolls with a Union Jack through the middle like rock?

Yours, Jenny Brexatious