TEN THINGS DONALD TRUMP WILL NOT DO NEXT BECAUSE RUSSIA HAS GOT 'WEE-VERAGE' OVER HIM
Daily Armstretchograph

How Will We Know If Russia Does Have Wee-verage Over Donald Trump Anyway?

One of the most respected intelligence operators specialising in Russia in the private sector, who once worked for British Intelligence says the Russians have a video of Donald Trump and something to do with prostitutes urinating on each other in a Moscow hotel (ie a Golden Shower...) It's been denied, as you would expect, but how will we know if the Russians do have it after all?

Five tell tale signs that Russia has Wee-verage over president-elect Donald Trump:

5 Trump chooses the winner of Russia's Got Opera for his inauguration. The woman is 6 ft 3in tall and weighs 300 lbs and has a charge for urination in public.

4 Trump says Putin is 'beautiful' three times in a speech

3 Trump sends his first Tweet in Russian.

2 The terms 'Golden Shower' and 'Bromanceski' enter the dictionary in 2017

1 Trump Hotels gives extra little bars of soap and shampoo to Russian officials when they stay at his hotel chain for free.

The presidential urination begins.

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Correction: In yesterday's story: There was a Labour MP called Tristram? Asks Voter it seems there was an error: His full name is Tristram Hunt. We apologise unreservedly for the spelling error in which his surname was an expletive especially if the reader read it before the watershed of 9pm.

NEW YEAR NEW YOU: HOW TO PEEL VEGETABLES TO LOSE 10% BODY FAT IN JUST ONE WEEK
Daily Moan

DONALD TRUMP SLAMS JOHN LEWIS

Donald Trump slammed John Lewis in a Twitter rant lasting 112 characters today, only hours before becoming president of the United States.

John Lewis is one of the most respected retailers in the UK but it didn't stop Donald Trump slamming the retailer's US namesake for doing a 'horrible job'.

We Tweeted Trump for a comment but got no reply.

A spokesman for British John Lewis told this newspaper: "We have tweeted an invitation to the future president of the United States for a hair and nail pamper session at our Chigwell branch. With sessions costing only £35 ($40) for 35 minutes (35 minutes) they are a brilliant deal."

The urine hits the fan.

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Also In Today's Paper:

Theresa May To Make 'Brexit' Means 'Royal Brexit' Speech Tuesday

Give Us A Clean Brexit Or It's World War Three, May Tells Europe

Brexit Is Just Like A Flower, Says Botanist

THE 48% WHO VOTED AGAINST BREXIT SHOULD SHUT UP NOW, SAYS PM
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

If the unelected House Of Lords block Brexit I say lets forget it then. No point in throwing the whole constitution down the drain.

Yours, Fred Remoaner

Dear Sir,

Snowmaggedon was a bit of a damp squib this week wasn't it? If you blinked you missed it. It wasn't even a Sprinklemagedon. Rubbish.

Yours, Michael Fish

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Dear Sir,

I am still planning my Brexit party for the end of March 2017, when we trigger Article 50. Does anybody know how to make red white and blue Scotch eggs? They sound horrible but very patriotic.

Yours, Jenny Brexatious