LESS DISHONEST JOURNALISTS THAN ANY OTHER UK NEWSPAPER
Daily Armstretchograph

White Spaces In Crowd Were KKK Members, Insists Trump Spokesman

The White House today criticised the media, not including this newspaper, for suggesting there were enormous yards of white empty space where people stood at the Obama Inauguration in 2009, according to someone looking at the picture below.

Donald trump Inauguration

A spokesman for Donald Trump told this newspaper: "I look at that picture (above) and I just don't see an empty space at all. You show me where the empty spaces are? If you look closely you can see there are people there wearing white from head to toe. Who put the white tarpaulin on the ground? Probably an Obama supporter just to cause trouble. If you were wearing all white there is no way you can be seen in that picture."

An expert photographs debunker told this newspaper: "It is true. If people were wearing all white from head to toe they will be impossible to see on that picture."

The Media Trumps begin.

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Correction: In yesterday's story: I'm Taking Buns And Hot Milky Tea For Melania When I Visit The President On Friday, She Looks Like She Needs A Good Meal, Says PM May it seems there was an error: Donald Trump is a 'Real Estate Mogul', not a 'Real Estate Mogle' as we claimed.

'CHICKEN IS NOT A VEGETABLE!!!' VEGETARIAN AMAZON CUSTOMER SHOUTS AT CLARKSON
Daily Moan

TRUMPO: "THAT WASN'T DANCING THAT WAS PUSHING YOUR WIFE AROUND USING YOUR HIPS"

Donald Trump's dance critics rounded on the property tycoon turned Commander In Chief today after his disastrous first dance as president, which some Bruno online claimed 'was a complete let down'.

Dancing confusingly to the words, 'and now the end is near and I face my final curtain' whereas it was actually the beginning and there was no curtain in sight, Trump, 71, and wife Melania, 48, pushed their bodies together and Trump then pushed his wife around using his hips in one of the worst presidential first dances ever televised, according to CNN's new presidential dance critic.

"It was truly awful. Trump kept doing a thumbs up and smiling. And his hips just seemed to be grinding on his wife's pelvis. They don't even have a paddle board for the score I would give that had they done that on Dancing With The Stars," said our critic to nods of agreement in our newsroom.

The dance in all of it's horror is below:

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Also In Today's Paper:

Brexit Means 'Tough Macho Brexit' Now, Says PM May

"I'm Expecting France To Surrender Early In The Brexit Negotiations," Says Boris

Brexit Is Just Like A Box Of Chocolates, Says Confectioner

SHOULD BORIS JOHNSON'S DOODLES OF THE FRENCH PRESIDENT WITH HITLER MUSTACHE BE PUBLISHED?
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I have been negotiating my own Brexit settlement with my German next door neighbour and it seems that he wants his lawnmower back. I think he must have forgotten about the shears, hoe and car vacuum cleaner. This could get expensive if he remembers.

Yours, Fred Brexit

Dear Sir,

I have decided to keep my flashing Christmas decorations on my house up until Article 50 trigger day at the end of March 2017. Also its too bloody cold to go outside to get them in. Who is in charge of the weather these days? It's a disgrace.

Yours, Michael Fish

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Dear Sir,

I am still planning my Brexit party for the end of March 2017, when we trigger Article 50. Does anybody know how to make red white and blue sausages on sticks? I've bought the Union Flag sausage sticks already so now I have a decision to make: do I have red sausages, white sausages and blue sausages, or do I try to make each sausage a union flag design? I've only got about 30 minutes to do it. Does anybody have some tips on how to get these multicoloured diagonal lines in sausage meat?

Yours, Fred Brexatious