Daily Armstretchograph

Chocolate Bars To Be Put 20% Lower On Shelves To Give 'Fat Enhanced' A Bit Of A Workout

"Touching toes next stage," says Surgeon General

Chocolate bars are to be put 20% lower on supermarket shelves to enable fat people to have a bit of a workout before they buy them, according to a senior doctor.

Putting chocolate nearer to the ground will afford the opportunity to fat people to do a bit of a workout to get their treats, and thus get them ready for later on in the year when we will be reporting a new government initiative to get them to touch their toes at least once a day.

Eating chocolate, which could cause cancer in a story in March 2017, by November is expected help reduce obesity if eaten in small doses.

Donald Trump is a well known chocolate eater and eats his wife, Melania's, chocolate too, he tells Bill O'Reilly in an interview later today. This will explain Melania's glamorous svelte look in matching shoes dress and earrings.

The munching continues.

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Correction: In yesterday's story: Donald Trump Slams Judge For 'Making It Up As He Goes Along' it seems there was an error: Judges need to study precedent and the law as it currently stands and then make a decision, and can't just scribble ideas on a piece of paper, sign it and show it to people in the White House saying it is an Executive Order as we claimed. We are happy to set the record straight.

Daily Moan

PM May Signs Executive Order To Stop Cold Snap This Week

Claiming she is standing in solidarity with the American President, Theresa May, still the prime minister, signed an Executive Order banning cold weather this week.

In the ceremony the prime minster wore a red dress with green rainforest earrings and signed the Executive Order using a pen given to the Queen by President Kennedy in a state visit in 1962.

Executive Orders are unheard of in British politics, but have been introduced as an increasing 'sign of respect' for the Special Relationship with the USA's President Trump.

The Trumpisation Of British Politics begins.

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Also In Today's Paper:

Trump To Sign Executive Order To Ban Combovers In Washington DC

Trump To Sign Executive Order To Make All Made In China Stickers To Be Made In America

Trump To Sign Executive Order To Stop Belching After Lunch, Belgian Ambassador Furious

Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I signed an Executive Order this week banning supermarkets from pretending they have no Iceberg Lettuces when they have just so they can put the price up. It's a disgrace with a particularly Icelandic flavour.

Yours, Theresa May

Dear Sir,

For Brexit why not start up a special feature called Political Spittoon in your newspaper? It was a very popular feature in my newspaper I ran in the Wild West in America 1858-1879 and allows anybody to pitch in with their two cents worth. (Did you know that is why they say 'two cent's worth' because that was the fine you had to pay in the Wild West if you spat outside of a spittoon, on the sidewalk or in a bar? It's an alternative fact for all I know but it might be true.)

Yours, Bob Davis

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Dear Sir,

You know Theresa May said she would be triggering Article 50 at the end of March? Well, she had better make sure she isn't a single day late because triggering it on 1st April could possibly lead to riots oop north.

Yours, Harry Belafonte