HOW TO REACT WHEN ASKED IF YOU ARE A MUSLIM BY US IMMIGRATION
Daily Armstretchograph

Oscar Chaos To Be Made Into A Musical

Live from The Oscars 2017: Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway announced the Best Picture from an envelope that said Best Actress on the front - Warren saw Emma Stone from La La Land on the card so gave the card to Faye who read out that the Best Picture was La La Land - but they should have had the envelope with the words Best Picture on the front and had Beatty opened that one it would have said Moonlight. This very mix up is set to be the subject of a new musical, the makers behind La La Land are believed to have said only minutes after their thanking for the Oscar they didn't get was brought to an abrupt halt.

One insider close to the music told this newspaper: "It's the God of Luvvies saying what their next project should be. Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling have both immediately signed up, and Jimmy Kimmel is to star also."

But an innocent bystander fretted to this newspaper: "Are we absolutely sure Emma Stone won the Best Actress Oscar? What envelope did they open for that one? I'm totally confused. Did they have two envelopes with Best Actress on the front? Both with Emma Stone inside? Did she win Best Actress twice? Only a musical can fully explain this chaos."

The thanking continues.

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Correction: In yesterday's story: Sean Spicer Slaps Thigh And Says Eeehargh! At Restricted Press Gaggle it seems there was an error: Donald Trump has the hands of a 15 year old boy, we are happy to set the record straight.

ARE YOU AJAXED? TEN TELL TALE SIGNS
Daily Moan

Only 10% Of Oscar Winners Do Speech Better Than The One They Rehearsed

In a special artificial intelligence computer simulation carried out for this newspaper, it can now be revealed that only 10% of Oscar winners give speeches anywhere near as good as the ones they give in their bedrooms with a brush as a microphone and in their underwear.

Clothing is believed to be the main reason for the poorer performance on stage, along with the hard lighting. Bedrooms rarely have the heavy lighting seen on the Oscars stage. Bedroom rehearsals are normally rehearsed in loose fitting clothing and not the tight fitting clothing favoured by winners on stage.

In other news: The Academy Awards people were congratulated for acting completely as predicted when the wrong award was announced and the wrong winners were thanking the audience for the award they were soon to be stripped of.

The Luvvies continue.

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Also In Today's Paper:

Theresa May - Copeland is My Waterloo

Jeremy Corbyn - Copeland Is My Favourite Singer

Donald Trump: Meryl Streep Is Overrated Again

LA LA LAND SET TO WIN BEST PICTURE OSCAR, NOT
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

'Hilariously Over Fluffed' is how I explain the Hollywood luvvies at the Oscars. Some of them are wearing suits that are far too big for them.

Yours, Ivanka Lump

Dear Sir,

I've just finished my Article 50 costume for 31st March. I'm going to be in a dress fashioned on Buckingham Palace and with a Paddington Bear hat! Yay!!! (That's a hat that looks like Paddington Bear, not Paddington Bear's hat silly!)

Yours, Fiona Lipkins

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Dear Sir,

At last Warren Beatty can win an Oscar - for the most Chaotic Oscar Award In History. Perfect.

Yours, Boaty McBoatface