HOW TO BORK YOUR EMPLOYERS AWARDS CEREMONY LIKE THE OSCARS WERE
Daily Armstretchograph

"It's Watergate 2" Claims Trump

Donald Trump says he has met a man in a darkened garage he says is code named DeepPockets, who told him that the conspiracy against him is 'huge' and that he should 'follow the money', just like DeepThroat in Watergate, according to the new president.

This just hours after Donaldski Trump claimed Barack Obama was guilty of McCarthyism and that Obama was tapping Trump's phones like in Nixon-Watergate.

Trump, when asked for evidence of who was behind the alleged phone taps on his phone, said Alex Baldwinishly: "They're doing it. I just know they are. KellyAnne is looking for her shoes and she'll be here to answer your questions later."

Meanwhile, Kellyanne Conway was unable to come immediately as she is recovering after getting a stiletto stuck up her bottom after she sat on her own legs after forgetting to remove her shoes first.

DID YOU KNOW: Senator Joseph McCarthy was ultimately destroyed by Ed Murrow, the inventor of fake news according to this Trump administration, after Murrow waited patiently to get enough quotes on film and audio so that when he played them all back on See It Now it made McCarthy look like the dangerous paranoid fool he was. Richard Nixon was destroyed by what had been called the fake news of The Washington Post right up to the last minute when it was finally realised that they had been telling the truth most of the while.

The Trumping continues.

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Correction: In yesterday's story: Brexit: It's A Right Carry On, Says 'Babs' May it seems there was an error: 'Oooh Cheeky!', 'Gawd Blimey Not 'im Again' and 'Gordon Bennet!!!' were not comments made by either Kenneth 'Boris' Williams or Sid 'David Davis' James, we are happy to slap the record straight.

Correction to the above Correction: Charles 'Liam Fox' Hawtrey was accidentally omitted from the list and should have been included, we are happy to set the record straight.

BREXIT TO LEAD TO LOWER CHOLESTEROL, CONFIRMS GOVERNMENT BREXIT KEEP FIT TSAR
Daily Moan

'Only Piers Morgan Can Rescue ITV's Nightly Show' Say Smokers Outside ITV

Piers Morgan is the only person who is qualified to rescue ITV's new News At Ten warm up show, The Nightly Show, according to a gaggle of smokers outside ITV, Friday.

They said:

"Ideally they need a British Jimmy Kimmel, but we don't have one," said smoker number 1.

"They need better guests. A movie star or two would have helped, but they were all ill," said smoker number 2.

"Piers Morgan is really the only option. His wit and handsomeness is what the show needs," said Piers Morgan.

"In America they have the chat shows after the news, and the news there is 11pm," said smoker number 3.

The Walliams will not continue.

(We tried to find a Youtube clip of the Nightly Show to put here (we still love you Kim Catrall, sorry) but it was all too awful.)

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Also In Today's Paper:

'I watched ITV's Nightly Show And It was Brilliant,' Says ITV's Piers

ITV Shares Slump 0.05% Following Nightly Show Woes

Prince Hunky Sips Drink With Just His Shorts On

OSCARS ORGANISERS FAIL IN BID TO WIN 'ORGANISERS OF OSCARS' AWARD FOR SEVENTIETH YEAR IN ROW
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Has ITV thought of asking Donald Trump's Deep Throat to be the next host of their Nightly Show? I bet they haven't.

Yours, Jeremy Bottomsley

Dear Sir,

Has ITV even thought of asking Vladimir Putin's Senior Donald Trump Liason Officer to host their Nightly Show? I bet they haven't even bothered. Do they want a topical laughfest or not?

Yours, Ched Chadski

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Dear Sir,

I am so angry that Piers Stefan Pughe-Morgan is being mentioned as a presenter of ITV's soon to be dumped Nightly Show that I want to scream his real name out in writing. There, done it. I feel better now thank you.

Yours, Boaty McBoatface