WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ON BREXIT TRIGGER DAY? KATIE HOPKINS HAS NO IDEA
Daily Armstretchograph

Civil Servants To Practice Triggering Article 50 Today

Civil Servants are to practice the steps for triggering Article 50 today, to check that all systems are ready for the big switch, according to an insider who told us he is knowledgeable of the matter.

Some senior civil servants, who's colleagues have claimed for years they are actually not very civil at all, have already rudely started tapping keys, swapping croissants for crumpets and replacing all Italian coffees for weak milky teas, and that's before the practice trigger has even begun.

Fire alarms will be ignored during the test triggering, speeches of Winston Churchill with the sound of bombs going off in the background will be played and Vera Lynn singing There'll Be Blue Birds Over The White Cliffs Of Dover will be sung in a circle in all departments at 11:11am each day until the test triggering has been completed.

Civil Servants have also been told to drink English wine when handling the paper work in Brussels and not the European stuff which in the circumstances is deemed to be inappropriate.

The Brexit continues.

(Video sponsored by linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: Carry On Brexit: 'Babs' May - 'It's Almost Time To Trigger - Ooo Saucy!' it seems there was an error: Kenneth 'Boris' Williams was not blamed for sticking eyes and a French moustache on the prime minister's stapler on Thursday during a meeting as we claimed. We are happy to set the record straight.

I'M STAYING IN BED ALL DAY ON BREXIT TRIGGER DAY JUST IN CASE, SAYS ACCIDENT PRONE ATHLETE
Daily Moan

"I'm Triggering Article 50 When They Least Expect It," Says PM May

Prime Minster Theresa May told reporters this morning, at an impromptu gaggle to which we were not invited, that she is set to use her soon to be confirmed power to trigger Article 50 in the 'most unexpected negotiatingly strategic way possible'.

Triggering Article 50 is believed to be the first step for the country to leave the European Union, although for all we know they could have been lying to us about that too for the last year.

Theresa May has only a few options available to her in triggering Article 50 once parliament has given her the power to do so and these are:

1) Trigger it immediately after the vote in Parliament.

2) Trigger it one day after the vote.

3) Trigger it two days after the vote.

....

54) Trigger it fifty two days after the vote.

55) Don't trigger it at all but just keep looking like you are.

"Once Article 50 is triggered the Europeans will finally slowly find out what we are up to, a bit like on D-Day but we don't have to worry about the weather," said a television historian who is not Dan Snow.

The long goodbye begins.

(Video sponsored by linksdump.com)


Also In Today's Paper:

Is ITV's News At Ten Delayer Nightly Show Still On? Asks Our Brilliant TV Reviewer

How Many Hazelnuts are there in one teaspoon of Nuttella? The answer will surprise you [Sponsored feature requiring multiple clicks to find the answer [if it even exists!!!]]

Korean Who Does British Accents Told To Stop Doing The Birmingham One As People Are Falling To Sleep While Driving Their Cars

ENGLAND VS SCOTLAND RUGBY RESULT 'TOO LATE' TO MAKE SCOTTISH SUNDAY PAPERS
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I would respectfully suggest that the highest honour for any English man is not a knighthood as your contributor claimed, but is a free bag of chips every day in any chippie in the country [restrictions apply]. This is what we should be giving Eddie Jones for his remarkable England rugby revival efforts.

Yours, Chip Smith

Dear Sir,

Soon to be Sir Eddie Jones says we are only one year into a four year plan with rugby in England. So, this gazumpingly good England team beat New Zealand next and then what? I fear for the future of England at this rate, and for any rugby playing Space Aliens set to invade during the Trump presidency.

Yours, Brad Stonestump

(Video sponsored by linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

As a Scot who works in London I have decided to have the week off sick.

Yours, Mac MacSadface