NUMBER 10 TO SEND ARTICLE 50 MEMO DURING 4 HOUR FRENCH LUNCH BREAK, SAYS BREXPERT
Daily Armstretchograph

Company Behind 'Stop Eating Like A **** Pig Diet™' Files For Bankruptcy

The company behind the Stop Eating Like A **** Pig Diet™ has filed for bankruptcy, we have discovered.

The diet, which told people the only way to lose weight was to cut back on the amount of calories they consumed every day, was voted the worst diet by social media, claiming it was 'too hard to do'.

One commentator who tried eating less food as outlined in the diet plan said: "Eating less food than I want to eat is awkward. I want to lose weight, I don't want to feel hungry."

An average human needs 2300 calories a day, any more than that and on average they gain weight, if they eat less than that they lose weight. That was the theory behind the Stop Eating Like A **** Pig Diet™ and experts said that anyone who managed to eat less calories than they needed lost weight.

Many also criticised the diet for when they stopped following the diet they put the old weight back on again.

An expert in dieting told this newspaper: "The Stop Eating Like A **** Pig Diet™ has many things going for it, although just not the 'you have to eat less' bit. More popular diets include: The Eat Everything You Want Diet, The Feel Hungry? Eat A Pie And Lose Weight Diet, and the 6 Minute Chocolate Munch Diet.

The diet marketing continues.

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Correction: In yesterday's story: Ten More Things You Need To Know About The New One Pound Coin it seems there was an error: Item number 4 was the secret thing that experts use to ensure that the pound coin is not a fake, and not the fifth item as was claimed. We are happy to set the record straight.

WOMEN DRIVERS ARE JUST AS BAD AS TERRORIST DRIVERS, SAYS OUR BRILLIANT CORRESPONDENT KATIE HOPKUNT
Daily Moan

New One Pound Coin Gets Stuck In Dog's Throat

Ickle dog owners were warned this morning not to let their little chums from swallowing the new one pound coin, because if they do it could get lodged in their little throats and choke them to death, according to three owners who had close calls.

Elisa Buckleswuckle, 23, told this newspaper: Little Timmy swallowed a new pound coin and he was panting funny and running around like he was trying to shake his nose off. I picked him up and noticed a new pound coin lodged in his throat. I had to get a steak beating mallet to get it out. We were lucky but a couple more minutes and he would have been dead, killed by the new pound coin.

The Royal Mint did not return our calls when we called last night asking them about their murderous new pound coins.

Swallowing currency is always dangerous, but with notes generally thought to be safer swallowingwise than coins.

The new pound coin has a number of new security features, some so secret even special agents working for MI5 haven't been told what they are yet. But the new pound coin doesn't have any anti-swallowing features.

The pound continues.

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Also In Today's Paper:

Is Gordon Ramsay Cooking Up a Surprise for ITV's Beleaguered Nightly Show? Yes, Says ITV Eggsperts

Are You A Penguin Or A Seal? Take Our Brilliant Quiz

How To Tell If This New 13 Sided Pound Coin Is A Fake

"I WILL BE EDITING FOR HALF AN HOUR A DAY," SAYS GEORGE OSBORNE
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I am all for change, but giving people a 12 sided pound coin is just asking for trouble. I mean, how many times are you going to count the sides? If one had 13 sides, and thus was a fake, who would notice? I say bring back the thruppenny bit, we all knew where we stood with that.

pound vs thruppend bit

Yours, Arthur Asker

Dear Sir,

I was given a three pound coin yesterday and managed to quickly pass it on before anybody noticed. I think it may have had the secret security feature they're not telling anybody about on it.

Yours, Duncan Dumbledore

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Dear Sir,

I'm upgrading one from UKIP to UKIQ this week. I'm Brexit Happy me.

Yours, Nigel Ferrago