HOW TO TALK LIKE MICHAEL 'LORD' HOWARD: NUMBER 23 - HOW TO PRONOUNCE 'AWFUL', 'LOTHESOME' AND 'ITSY BITSY'
Daily Excrement

Gibraltar: It's War!

Britain is to send battleships to Gibraltar as a sign of strength as Spain seeks to invade the peninsula during Brexshit negotiations, according to a shady looking character in Brussels. The battleships will be the same ones sent to the Falklands due to cost cutting.

Gibraltar was given to Great Britain in the Treaty of Utrecht in 1713 by the Spanish but now the Spanish want it back, according to a person on Twitter.

The show of strength comes 35 years to the day that Great Britain rescued the Falklands from an invasion by the military junta in Argentina. Argentinians also speak Spanish, just like in Spain.

Gibraltar is famous for its red phone boxes, Blanketty Blank still on the telly, and Peter Sellers still playing Inspector Clouseau in the Pink Panther movies still on at the Gibraltar Odeon.

The Brexshiting continues.

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Correction: In yesterday's story: How To Bake A Brexshit Cake Using Just British Ingredients it seems there was an error: The sprinkles pictured were from Germany. We have sacked our picture editor for treason.

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Daily Moan

The Full Story Behind That Sad Clock Face Brexit Picture

Number 10 have admitted they are heartbroken that they had to sign a letter triggering Article 50 which means Brexshit is actually happening today, and used the clock in the background to show their disappointment.

Upset clock - Brexit

The saddest clock in Downing Street was created by taking the iconic Brexshit letter picture at 5:36 Great British Summer Time.

Iconic Brexit signing

One Downing Street insider, who asked us to not report her name because she has been sworn to secrecy using the Royal Sword of Silence, said the timing of the picture was made to ensure the clock had the saddest face possible.

A Brexiteer insider told this newspaper: "The clock is a Remoaning disgrace. They could have waited and taken the picture at 10 to 8 and it would have been a smiley face, or any other time and it wouldn't have made any kind of a face, but what did they do? They did the sad face. I weep for my country. If I was there that clock would have been thrown out of the window for treason."

The Brexshit continues.

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Also In Today's Paper:

"It's Time To Accept Brexshit Bacon Sandwiches," Say Ed Milliband

Brexshit Poll Was 52% to 48% But Where Do The 4% Live?

But is Gibraltar really British? I mean they have wild monkeys there! Our Brilliant Correspondent Katie Hopkunt has her say

THERESA MAY OFFERED BANKER DEAL OR NO DEAL CONTRACT IF BREXIT FAILS, SAY CHANNEL 4
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I have heard Donald Trump speak in fluent Russian but nobody wants to interview me. He is clearly covering something up. I charge £2500 an hour plus expenses.

Yours, Ben Done

Dear Sir,

It's good to see an English side win the Boat Race again. We always do this sort of thing so well in England. Brexit here we come!

Yours, Sheila Dunukip

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Dear Sir,

Imagine my surprise when I went to more British than the British Gibraltar. Their rock of Gibraltar is nothing like the rock you can buy in Clacton.

Yours, Nigel Ferrago