HOW TO WIN AN ELECTION, PART 1: WINNING ARGUMENTS WITH YOUR EYES
The Thun - The Times spoof

Opinion Polls Go Mental

Opinions polls, which only days before were telling the prime minister to "go to the country", only three days later are saying "don't do it," according to the latest poll in a Sunday paper.

Fears are growing that the country needs to stage an intervention with Opinion Polls before it's too late. Opinion Polls could be sectioned if they continue to show erratic behaviour, say observers.

In the latest opinion poll for this newspaper, the Conservatives are on 55%, Labour 26%, LibDems 12%, UKIP 10% and 7% for the Green Party, with Don't Knows at minus 10%, to bring the total to 100%, according to our pollster with a calculator app on his iPhone.

Meanwhile, Colonel Margin DeError came to the defence of Opinion Polls claiming that some of the polls could have an error each way of up to 7% which means the Conservative lead could be as little as 5% or less, (or more, (or about the same.))

The Election begins.

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Correction: In yesterday's story: Election Chaos As PM Flip Flopped 8 Times Before Coming To Decision it seems there was an error: Theresa May flipped an odd amount of times or she would have come back to her original decision. We apologise for the Twitter flaming we gave to a number of our readers for noticing this basic arithmetic, and are happy to make a donation to the charity suggested specialising in anger management.

CRAYSIE MAYSIE VS OLD 'B' WAN CORBYN TO DEBATE WITH JUST THEIR LEGS
Daily Excrement - Daily Express

'Election Cock' Starts Deliberations

The most accurate Election Predicting Cock in the world, an American bird named Nate (below), has begun his process to predict who will win the British election by delivering pecks to life size photographs of the main players that have been placed in his barn.

Un coq

Nate has 100% success in selecting who will win any poll, but needs up to 10 weeks to rummage around in his specially appointed barn to be sure.

Nate, 5lbs, decided Brexit would happen, and that Donald Trump would become president of the United States. But with less than 10 weeks to go before the snap election he has his work cut out for himself, with Jeremy Corbyn's tweed jacket attracting a lot of interest from the set off, and he appears to be scared of Theresa May's red high heels.

His owner and promoter, Bob Cumbunnion, told this newspaper: "It's far too early to say anything about what Nate has decided so far. He hasn't decided anything, he's just getting started. But if you were to force me to say something right now, really force me, like take that pitch fork over there and threaten to ram it into my eyes, then I would have to say that Jeremy Corbyn's tweed jacket is very popular with Nate so far, and its still too early to tell, but so far it's looking like a landslide for Labour."

The election continues.

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Also In Today's Paper:

Should I Dye My Beard Blue Or 'Theresa May Grey' For Best Results? Asks Tory Extremist

Jeremy Corbyn's Top Ten Allotment Tips

Ten Things That I Don't Think Are Sins, By LibDems Tim Fallon

LOSE WEIGHT ON OUR BRILLIANT GENERAL ELECTION DIET
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I absolutely love putting the cross on my ballot and have even set up my own voting booth in my spare room to practice for the great day. Imagine my delight that the government is asking me for my opinion again. I just love it.

Yours, Peter Sutcliffe

Dear Sir,

I'm confused. Will someone please help me: If we have five year fixed-term parliaments now, does it mean that in three years time we have to, by law, have another general election because of the one in 2015, or does the next five years start after the current election? Or do we have to do them every 3 years and 5 years in future (from now) because they will each be 5 years after the last election? Or is the first one cancelled out? (Who decides this? Is it the police?)

Yours, Jimmy Pusboat

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Dear Sir,

Has anybody else noticed how close 'Ilie Nastase' is to 'Mr Nasty'? I think he should be told.

Yours, Hubert Smith