ELECTION WORKOUT, PART 7: THE THERESA MAY GRIMACE (FOR NECK MUSCLES)
The Thun - The Times spoof

Corbyn Criticised For Refusing To Say He'll Press A Button Nobody Has Ever Pressed Before

Labour leader, Jedi Knight Jeremy 'Obe-Wan' Corbyn, refused to say he would ever press the Trident nuclear button if the country ever came under nuclear attack in which millions would die if it was accurately targeted on the densest population area in London.

Nobody has ever pressed the British nuclear button in nuclear wartime before but if it happened Corbyn says he wouldn't press it, according to comments he made on the telly last night.

"You wouldn't press the nuclear button would you, Mr Corbyn?" shouted one disgruntled voter, to applause.

Mr Corbyn, who knows that the nuclear button isn't a button at all but mustn't say so because it is a national security secret, looked visibly stunned as he knew he couldn't reply. Corbyn looked back with sad, knowing, eyes that said "the Force is with me."

The man who asked the question has been unable to turn right since asking the question. Those that applauded should expect a week of bad luck, according to Labour Star Wars fans in the know.

The Election Force continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: Cathy Griffin Asked How She Cut Donald Trump's Head Off By New Head Of FBI it seems there was an error: The head of Donald Trump was a fake head. There is no current head of the FBI because the last one was sacked. We are happy to set the record straight.

Correction to the correction: The head of the FBI , who does not exist, does not have a currant for a head. We are happy to set the correction straight.

THERESA MAY TOLD TO 'FLASH MORE LEG' AS ELECTION JITTERS ESCALATE
Daily Excrement - Daily Express

"I Actually Quite Enjoy Being Patronised By Donald Trump," Says Theresa May

Theresa May visibly flushed at the sound of Donald Trump's name in the debate last night, speaking fondly of long calls on the telephone where the Trump 'tells her everything'.

"Some people like to curl up in bed with a good book, but I talk to Mr Trump. POTUS tells me that I've got a great attitude for a woman, which of course I have," said the prime minister.

She continued: "I always feel a little dizzy when I talk to Mr Trump. I call him that, or Mr President as he likes that. He calls me Tezzy."

"I put my cross voice on when I mentioned the USA pulling out of the Paris Climate Accord, but unfortunately he couldn't see my scary cross face so he didn't seem to be affected. I told him not to worry about it too much, and he told me he wouldn't."

The phone calls continue.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

"Government Slashed Number Of Police Officers By 20,000 since 2010" Says Crazy Corbyn

It Was A Lovely Sunny Day The Day Donald Trump Pulled Out Of Paris Accord, Says Weatherman

Correction: Amber Rudd Was Not A Minor Character In Jurassic Park As We Claimed. Sorry.

IS IT TEA TIME YET? TEN ENGLISHMEN GIVE US THEIR VIEWS
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Talking about bloody awkward people. That Jeremy Corbyn refusing to press the nuclear button and stuff? What is the point of spending £15billion on it if he can't even be bothered to think about possibly using it but not doing so?

Yours, Mr Darmin, 85

Dear Sir,

All this fuss that Donald Trump's 11 year old son, Barron, thought Cathy Griffin had cut Donald Trump's head off? Well if it wasn't his who's was it then? Has anybody seen Alec Baldwin this week?

Yours, Sherry Frailty

(Video found on linksdump.com)

[SPONSORED LETTER]

Dear Sir,

I see British Airways are blaming the guy who switched the power back on in the computer room for their problems last week. That sounds like Merv. Mervan Prakesh is the most sacked computer expert in London and the Home Countries. If anything goes wrong it is always him.

Yours, Cherry Dunstone - CEO - Crashes Everywhere Plc. "Want To Blame Someone For A Computer Crash? Blame Us." Reasonable Rates.