YOUR GUIDE TO A HUNG PARLIAMENT PART 5: WE ARE NOT DINOSAURS BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T EXIST IN THE BIBLE, SAYS DUP
The Thun - The Times spoof

Theresa May Wins World Gurning Championship

At last a piece of good news for the beleaguered prime minister, still Theresa May.

It has been announced that Theresa May, 62, has won the World Gurning Championship and didn't even enter the competition, bringing to 19 the number of things over the last 8 weeks that could lead to her downfall, a new record.

Theresa May gurns

Pulling facial grimaces is a traditional European thingie, usually most successfully performed by people without their own teeth.

A Conservative Party insider told this newspaper: "This shows the talent of this amazing prime minister. Experts all agree that gurning to the levels Theresa May has taken it with your own teeth is very difficult. Our prime minister isn't scared to put in the hours to gurn like this even though she has her own teeth. She's simply amazing."

Meanwhile, the DUP have said that May's gurning is one of the positives in the negotiations for a 'turn up and vote right' agreement, along with an extra £2bn.

Theresa May gurns in parliament

The gurning continues.

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Correction: In yesterday's story: Jeremy Corbyn's Power Increases Exponentially As Sun Rays Tapped By Pyramid Stage At Glastonbury it seems there was an error: The correct lyrics sung by the crowd was "Oh Jeremy Corbyn, Oh Jeremy Corbyn, Oh Jeremy Corbyn," we are happy to set the record straight.

THE FIRST PAPER TO REPLACE THE SAYING 'THE BEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD', TO 'THE BEST THING SINCE BREXIT'
Daily Excrement - Daily Express

"I'm Still Going For A Bloody Awkwardly Hard Brexit" Says May

Theresa May has said that nothing has changed and she is still going for a 'bloody awkwardly hard Brexit' like she always was, according to people close to the fatally wounded prime minister.

May, 61, set out plans this week for how she wants to treat Europeans already living in the country. This 'generous and serious' offer includes allowing Europeans to use Waitrose, speak English with an outrageous accent and look over 35% sexier than the locals.

Under the terms outlined by the Prime Minister in Brussels, the English will still be allowed to speak loudly in English to Europeans who don't seem to understand what they are being told.

In other developments. The Prime Minister, speaking off the record, explained that 'a bloody awkwardly hard Brexit' is defined as "Brexit means B.R.E.X.I.T."

The what happens next continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

Jeremy Corbyn Criticised For Not Even Trying To Sing At Glastonbury

Theresa May now only crying in the toilets and bedroom, according to sources

Andrea Leadsom criticises journalist for not wearing Union Jack underpants

WHAT IS THE HARDEST POSSIBLE BREXIT? HAVE YOUR SAY
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Andrea Leadsom told Emily Maitliss on Newsnight that she thought the broadcast media should be more patriotic. I completely agree. I don't feel British unless I wear my Union Jack earrings, shoes and hat.

Yours, Kim Jong-May

Dear Sir,

I have been told that I am a very sexy European. I have lived in the UK for the last two years. I am learning to speak like a native, innit, and am learning to enjoy pork pies - I have almost stopped gagging after I cut one in half. I aim to take a sniff of one by the end of the year. Surely I have done enough?

Yours, Velocity Smugshsten

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Dear Sir,

I have just watched the news and a French commentator has just said let's not have a hard Brexit or a soft Brexit, let's have a good Brexit. That is the most sensible thing I have heard in months.

Yours, Jack Multimixer

VIDEO MAYHEM
ABC (Australia) Have Made The Best Brexit Video Yet