BREXIT NEGOTATIONS PART 24: WHEN CHAOS IS BEAUTIFUL
The Thun - The Times spoof

Donald Trump Senior Was At Russia Meeting, Claims Deeper Throat

You join me, here, in a garage in Washington DC.

It's 3am and I am about to meet with Deeper Throat, the name given to my source on the growing scandal of Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election.

DT arrived promptly like he was a senior government official. He had a nice suit on. Nice shoes, too. I asked him, what can you tell me?

"I will only confirm stories. I will never be your first source. This is dangerous for me, " he said in a low, whispy, voice.

A car started up and I jumped, squealed a little, and peed a little in my shorts.

"Is Donald Trump Jr lying about the Russia meeting?" I asked him, poised with my biro on my notepaper as if this was still 1973.

"Yes," DT said.

"What else can you tell me?"

"You tell me and I'll confirm or deny it."

I thought I would trick him. "So, Donald Trump was in the Russia meeting," I then stopped, hoping he would pick me up on the Jr. But if he didn't I knew I had a story.

DT paused and I almost repeated the question again. But then he spoke.

"Yes," Deeper Throat eventually told me with what could have been a knowing wink but it was dark and it might not have been.

My story confirmed I returned to the office and wrote it. Donald Trump Senior was at the meeting.

The Russia thing continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: Donald Trump Spoke Fluent Russian with Putin In Meeting, Secret Recordings Show it seems there was an error: There is no secret recording as we claimed. We are happy to set the record straight.

MAN BREAKS WORLD ICE CREAM EATING RECORD ON HOTTEST DAY OF YEAR
Daily Excrement - Daily Express

Plot Foiled To Superglu Trump And Macron's Hands Together

French and American Secret Service went into meltdown in their back office control rooms today after it appeared for an excruciating minute twenty seconds that threats to Superglu the French president's hand to Donald Trump's hand had finally been carried out.

Thankfully it was just a super-long Donald Trump handshake.

Speaking shortly after their hands finally parted a security officer, still out of breath, told this newspaper: "That was a close run thing there. Anything longer than a 20 second handshake was Obama's Superglu danger zone, we upped it to 40 seconds for Trump but the 1 minute 20 seconds handshake looked to me like they had finally done it. I have never been more relieved than when their hands finally parted."

Speaking after we promised him anonymity, Harry Thompson of 125 Friobershire Road, Glastonbury, told this newspaper: "Internet chatter is quite clear that there are a number of plots to Superglu Trump's hand with another world leader. Trump has already declined to come to Britain following news that Superglu sales have rocketed since his inauguration."

If Trump's hand is Superglued to a world leader the procedure is for them to be escorted off camera for treatment as if nothing happened.

A critic of Trump's handshaking style told this newspaper: "It's only a matter of time until the terrorists manage to Superglu his hand someplace and we just won't know until it's too late."

The MAGA continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

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Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

What a time in the world to be a Trump!!! I just love it.

Yours, Melanie Trump

Dear Sir,

Ed Sheeran's Game Of Thrones cameo last night was simply amazing. I have been singing his song ever since. He has a hold over me like he is a wizard. You never see him and Ron Weasley together do you?

Yours, Justin Trump

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

Is Donald Trump Jr auditioning for a McDonalds advert? 'I love it' has a great ring to it. And they have McDonalds in Russia too.

Yours, Ron McDonald