"Bloody Hell." "Bloody Bleedin hell." "Bum flaps." "Stupid blind sod." "Idiot." "Swiss Cuckoo." All these insults were hurled at television sets across the nation tonight as Swiss ref, Urs Meier, disallowed a brilliant goal which inevitably led on to the bloodbath of penalty kicks. England are coming home. We just don't believe it.

David Beckham missed another penalty last night. Sexologists told this paper it's because David isn't getting the right amount of good sex any more. England lost 5 goals to 6 to Portugal on penalties.