We at the Dully Mirror have gotten our hands on a disgraceful video catalogue of activities that have been going on in an Iraq prison. The video, entitled 'BadDad Prison', a Big Boy Productions release, shows disgraceful pictures of people urinating on each other, being forced to suck their own genitalia, and having to drink their own urine. How can this be allowed to go on in a civilised society?

A spokesman for the British Military told us: "The army is not responsible for the release of porn videos and DVDs even if those in the videos or DVDs are dressed in military uniform. There are various discrepancies in the pictures which suggest that these are not actual images of actual torture, just simulated porn-like torture popular amongst fetish torture lovers around the world. The discrepancies in the pictures include a pink plastic water pistol which was not standard issue in Iraq; when the woman is forced to drink her own urine she drinks it from a champagne glass coquettishly; the young man on the torture Iraq-rack is at times giggling uncontrollably and the woman being urinated on is wearing standard fetish Cat-Woman attire. It is wholly irresponsible for a national newspaper to put existing operations at risk in Iraq by publishing pictures of porn movies as if they are real. Finally: Commander Hard-on is not a known commander in the British Army."

The most senior General in the British Army is still called Michael Jackson.