theVoiceofReason.co.uk - General Election 2005 - Satire - Comedy

Election 2005 Highlights

Election Day Special

What Does The Way You Write Your Cross When You Vote Today Say About You?

FeMoan General Election Special

Today, writing specialists tell us how the way you write your cross in today's election reveals your true personality... and what you can do about it!

Start from top right, firm downward stroke to bottom left, pick pencil off paper place in top left corner down to bottom right.

You pick your nose in the car, you pick your feet but you never fart anywhere in the house always ensuring that you go outside to do that (make sure the neighbours aren't anywhere around this time!) You have voted for the winning side the last two times so you are likely to vote Labour in again today you idiot.

Start from bottom right, up to top left, lift pencil off, place at bottom left straight up to top right

Driving on the left has always been a problem for you. This is because you associate driving on the right with holidays and nice places. You are likely to vote for Kilroy today and then emigrate!

Start from top right, down to centre of cross, out to bottom right, back to centre, out to bottom left back to centre, out to top left without removing your pencil

You are an awkward bugger, always picking fights and arguing over minutia. You have just spent the last 15 minutes arguing with the returning officer about why he writes your polling card number in his book, surely he's doing it to track you later right? Watch for ulcers in you mid to late 50's.

You spoil your ballot by drawing a face of your favourite politician

A European at heart, you will go home to eat croissants and coffee in one of those fancy caffetierre thingies. Pretentious. French speaker. Uses a suspiciously large quantity of soap in the bath.

Start from top right, limp wristed downward stroke to bottom left without removing pencil off of paper go straight to top left corner down to right.

You love fresh fish and eat enthusiastically, sometimes swallowing too quickly causing choking and vomiting sometimes in people sitting at the same table as yourself. You are the most likely personality type to use the phrase 'Do you know who I am?' and pull hissy fits over wine in restaurants.

Start from top right, downward stroke to bottom left and then stop

You are a very forgetful person who never finishes what they start. It really wasn't worth your effort turning up to vote at all today was it? It would be amazing if you even read this sentence.

5 May

Election 2005: Sedgefield Man Bites Hot Dog

A 51 year old mahogany stained man ate a Hot Dog for photographers at 2 o'clock this afternoon, or it might have been 2:35, our watch is a bit dicky at the mo. To be honest it could easily have been 3:10 for all they tell us. Not many people died.

ELECTION 2005 5TH MAY

Our election 2005 coverage starts today... yawn... We might put a few stories up, check weekly, probably not every day... yawn...

These are the idiots you've got to choose from by the way... ooh... yawn... zzz.. zzzzz..z..

Labor Party

Nazti Party

Liberal Demotax

The Kips Party

The Groans

Late general election results you may have missed

Ruddy Fartington

Con Hold maj 15,089

Hung Wellington

LibDem Gain 576

Nippy Weatherington

Lab Hold maj 3,455

Pub Lunchington

Lab Hold maj 33,325

East Middle Englandia

Con Gain maj 5,779

Potted Shrubia

Con Hold maj 12,321

Headless Bishopsgate

Con Gain maj 1,004

Middle Murderingtown

Con Gain maj 487

Wailingbury

Lab Hold maj 12,678

Witch Burnington

Lab Hold maj 54

Howard Told By Tory Central Office: "You've Had Your Chance Now Bugger Off"

Tory Central Office say they have sent the official letter telling their leader to 'piss off' today. Traditionally the Tory Party wait a week after defeat before stabbing their leader in the back, but this time it came within 5 minutes of Tony Blair being told he had won.

In the letter, Michael Howard was 'thanked' for this work but 'we regret to advise that you will be laughably too old were we to win next time.'

Michael Howard would be 72 at the end of his first term as Prime Minister were the Tory's to win next time. Michael Howard is old enough to be Charles Kennedy's Dad.

Fears Grow That Voters Will Sleep Through Election

Wakey wakey..! zzz

zzzz... oh, yes, fears are growing that the "Great British Electorate", "The Wonderfully Intelligent and Sexy People of Britain" and "The Buffed And Pert Population of Great Britain", as various candidates have claimed over the last three weeks, might be unable to vote on Thursday as they are suffering from narcolepsy. The most boring election in living memory ends tomorrow with Tony Blair expected to be smiling like a Cheshire Cat on... zzzzzz..... ymmmmm.....

Boringness Of Election Is Anti-Terror Measure, Claims Man on M11

Up To 20 terrorists have been arrested after collapsing from boredom whilst planning attacks during the election campaign: 5 were wearing Batman costumes, 8 Superman and 3 Cat Woman suits. Returning officers have been given special powers to stop superheroes voting on Thursday. These powers are top secret but are believed to include a special British combination of Kryptonite and custard.

Blair denies further 45 minute sun bed session

Tony Blair continues to visibly darken today. Yaaa-wwwnnn...

Has Kennedy Had Any Sleep At All For The Last Two Weeks?

Charles Kennedy is to concentrate on Election engagements in which he can catch up with naps, we have been told. Last evening he napped through an entire Paul O'Grady show along with 13 other voters in the Befuddled and Bemused Old Folks Home, Stevenage. Nobody snored.

Election Link of the moment

London calling from spinion.co.uk

Flash animation. 20th April 2005

Are You Drinking What We're Drinking?

"Don't be stupid be a smarty, come and join the Nazti Party!"