Here at the Dully Mirror, if any of our wives ever even tickled us in the wrong way it would be a one way ticket for her to the nearest hospital. No messing...

Sir, I read with interest your excellent article on the editor of the Sun newspaper, whom, it was alleged in said article, gave her husband a 'good thrashing with her dukes'. The headline, however, 'Ginger Nut Gives Grant A Punching', was just plain wrong. In today's politically correct environment it is not acceptable to call a person, even the editor of The Sun, a nut.

Sir, I read with interest your excellent editorial Rebekah Wades In With Her Punching Mitts, however it has to be said I am so glad telly hunk Grant Mitchell didn't punch her back. I don't fancy her chances much. Bravo, Grant, for not smashing your wife's nose in with your right hook, although, if truth be told, with her barnet it probably would take you about a week to find it.

Sir, I am a reader of the excellent Sun and their recent feature on domestic violence has enhanced my self esteem no end. How sad I was, therefore, to see the editor of this venerable News International publication not practising what she rants.

Sir, Just out of interest, when Rebekah shouts at you, does her glorious mop of ginger head of hair cascade over her face? If so could you please print a picture of this interesting development?

Ed: Yes, of course:

Sun Editor Ms Wade, 37, was arrested after police were called to the home she shares with TV tough guy Ross Kemp, Wade's husband. Sources close to the couple speculated that Ms Wade gave Kemp a thump with her fist, or possibly nutted him in the mouth with her ginger hair. It is unclear if she had her tits out at the time of the alleged incident. Wade, light welterweight, was released without charge.

Stories of fists flying at dawn, thumping to the theme music of Eastenders, dustbin lids a cracking. But is there more to this story than at first meets the eye? Rebekah 'feisty' Wade's 8 hours in Battersea Police Station cells and then released with no charge? But where is Ross Kemp's thick lip, as this story seemed to offer? Paparazzi pictures of the star showed no such thing... But we would love to hear the telephone calls to the police, were they made by neighbours or the couple themselves? Gawdon Bennet leave it aaat!

Grab the Ginger Nut's hair, pull back and down to snap her head back until she comes under control.

Restrain the ginger nut by holding a green towel over her until she stops wriggling.

Jump on top of her / run into a room close the door, and then threaten to call the Ginger police.

Restrain the ginger nut and shave all her hair off.

If all that fails, try the standard Bunny Boiler defence: Drown in bath water and then shoot with a gun.