The fewer number of nurses in hospitals these days could mean patients choking on their own vomit while lying in hospital beds. This according to a new report by Binge Drinkers Anonymous.

Choking on vomit has become less of a problem in recent years, but killed thousands in the late 1960's and early 70's, with a number of prominent rockers dying in their own, still warm, sick.

The report also says that patients have a 67,000% greater chance of breaking their legs while using the toilets.

When will someone buy this newspaper?