A senior source inside Defra told this paper that three whole days after the outbreak, they still didn't have a clue how Bird Flu got into a sealed factory in Suffolk, killing thousands of little birdees.

Then, only a day later, one of our undercover reporters managed to buy a frozen Bernard Matthews Turkey in a supermarket in Ipswich, Suffolk, with no visible warnings or flashing lights anywhere to indicate that there was a problem!!

Whilst in the supermarket we asked a shop stacker if he could tell us if buying a frozen turkey was safe, and we were told he didn't have a clue either! but he said it was probably best not to drop it on our head from a great height.

Is this the best advice that supermarkets and Defra can give us?

On our way out of the supermarket we found that a bird had defecated on our windscreen. We immediately phoned 999 to get the police to come and remove it. When they arrived they were completely unhelpful and told us that if we phoned them again we would be arrested for wasting police time! They even left the possibly contaminated shit on the windscreen!!!

DOES ANYONE GIVE A DAMN? 160,000 DEAD AND STILL NOBODY HAS A CLUE?