Big Brother will lurch into even greater controversy tonight after it emerged that there are secret plans to kidnap Davina Macall and force her to enter the Big Brother House against her will. The mother of 3 will then be forced to stay until she is voted out by viewers in a special Free Davina vote.

Big Brother will be renamed Big Sister tonight after we reveal that all 35 housemates to enter the house tonight will be girlees.

The absence of men in the house is blamed on Shilpa Shetty.

Channel 4, the pathetic bastards, will be forced to apologize for this crap before each show.