Good morning ducky's! Thank you for coming to this compulsory course. All of this faffing about! I ask you! Anyway, I hope you found the coffee machine and had a nice brew and a bun, so it's about time we started I suppose...

Now, before we start, oh, I've just started, I know, I know, Hmmm... where am I?...

We in senior management all know that most of you are honest people.

But the thing is that some viewers and/or listeners feel like they have been ripped off so we've got to do this. Don't feel upset we're saying this, it's for the bad apples in our midst, not you, love, of course.

OK, so, when someone calls into a phone-in competition from now on it's only fair that they should have a chance of actually winning the prize. Under no circumstances should a member of the production team pretend to be a viewer/listener for any reason, even if, and I'm sure we all agree, it is a complete fuckky-up-the-arse of a way to end a programme. I mean what do they want, dead air? It's embarrassing isn't it? 'Here's the competition winner, oops, well, I'm sorry we haven't got a winner and I've got to stand up here and talk my fookin back arse legs off for two and a half minutes about what?' But apparently it's better to look like a stupid funt of a tit on the telly from now on, rather than get one of your mates to pretend to be a genuine caller. Blimey, how things change! Do the management want a slick professional programme or a stupid fook up of a show that only Dennis Nordan would be pleased with? It's not like the fake caller collects the prize, now that would be a scandal. (They don't collect the prize do they?) I mean, everyone in telly knows it's just professional to at least look like the programme is going according to plan.

OK. Radio. Radio, radio. What does it say, oh yes...

On radio when you record a show, don't have a phone in competition in it where listeners are taken on air later in the recorded show because it's a recorded show and, well, genuine callers can't get on air because it's recorded. It only confuses the idiots who listen in to BBC6 anyways. I mean how many people listen to BBC6 anyway? 5000? How many people actually ring in to BBC6 anyway? Probably none in any case. I mean it's a bit of a give away when they actually get more than 2 listeners getting through to a BBC6 competition in any case isn't it? I mean what do they want us to do? Get poor old Presenter X (who couldn't possibly stand up to her producer because if she did she would be regarded as difficult to work with and never work again) to set a competition and then have to admit that nobody called in? It's just not done is it? Well it is from now on, or you'll be out on yer ear.

OK, it's down the pub then. Phew I'm exhausted.