The General Synod of the Anglican Church voted yesterday to ban the Bible believing it at odds with modern social trends.

Leading church liberal Cannon Geoff Beard said, “This book is really homophobic. There are no same sex partnerships in either Testament. Many of our clergymen feel distinctly uncomfortable reading it out. The people of Sodom and Gomorrah were merely pursuing alternative lifestyles.”
Rev. Amy Shrill also weighed in with an attack on the Bible’s sexist attitudes, “God is clearly male, it’s He did this, He did that, and then Adam is created in His image. Eve is only made from a bit of old rib. Note there’s no Mathew, Mark, Luke and Jane.”

However, according to a Lambeth Palace source not all Biblical passages will be scrapped. There are some stories that have an appropriate message for today’s audience. Noah’s Ark for instance will be used to teach the dangers of climate change. But the bulk of the Bible will be replaced by more suitable material, like old articles from Polly Toynbee. Similarly, some of the less progressive Psalms will be ditched. “There are some wonderful songs from Michelle Shocked and Joni Mitchell I already use for Communion,” commented the Rev. Shrill.

Church reformers also criticised the cross as a Christian symbol, believing it upsets educationally challenged members of the congregation,
“It has negative connotations with school so we’ll be seeking to replace it with a big tick at the next Synod,” said Canon Beard. “As for evil, God has a distinctly old- fashioned approach, smiting sinners all the time. Sociologists now accept that deprivation causes crime. Judea needed community centres and playing fields not brimstone and fire.”