Dear Gordon,

I have been a fan of yours for fucking ever and I would like to thank you from the bottom of my fucking heart for the hours of enterfuckingtainment your television programmes have given me.

I need your help, however.

I use fuck every five seconds and am now looking to go to that next fucking level. Do you have any fucking ideas? I've a load of fucking work to do on my bathroom at the weekend and the fucking wife's brother is helping me.

Yours fuckfully,

Mr Ramsbottom