Hunk Jammerjii, a Finish Kickboxer, is so concerned that his violence is doing bad things to the environment that he has signed up to a violence offsetting scheme, which is described as being similar to a carbon offsetting scheme but nothing to do with carbon.

It is believed that the violence offsetting scheme will ensure that, forinstance, a person is kissed tenderly on the lips for each roundhouse kick he delivers, or a nice soothing massage with oils is given for every punch he connects with another man's face.

The scheme has been widely criticized (but not to Jammerjii's face) as fears are that it will just make him more violent.

We were unable to get a reaction to this story from Burmese Buddhist Monks who were busy walking up and down the street at the time.

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We would like to apologize for an article that we ran yesterday in which we made unfounded allegations about a member of the Royal Family. In compensation we have agreed to make a payment to the Royal Society For The Protection Of Bewildered Corgis.