The Chinese authorities claimed that Speilberg's resignation from his advisory capacity on the Olympic Games opening ceremony, was purely a symbolic gesture, last night.

The opening spectacular is believed to include scenes from some of Spielberg's classic motion pictures including a poignant moment when ET walks across Tiananmen Square to place his finger on an army tank, Indiana Jones going on a tour of China with his official compulsory government tour guide in tow, and cheap plastic Close Encounter UFO's for everybody.

General Fuk Udoing told the press: "Spielberg's work had mostly finished in August 2005 in any case and the opening ceremony has been fully rehearsed since December last year." "Had that not been the case someone would have been shot," the general quipped.