(To be chanted in unison in low monotone)

I pledge my allegiance to Her Majesty the Queen and to uphold the constitution of the United Kingdom (when it is eventually written, which after 500 years doesn't seem very likely now but that's all part of being British isn't it?).

I will do my best to stand outside for hours in any weather when she comes to a town near me and will wave and cheer light pleasantries.

I promise to curtsey or to bow before addressing her.

I will do my best to avoid any kind of sarcastic comment or inflection in my voice or face when she asks me 'what it is that I do'.

I will answer any such question honestly, but not expect an answer, but if I do get an answer I promise to be nothing other than grateful for the comment however strange it might be.

And finally, I promise to never wear any hat or outfit that might clash with Her Majesty's, and, if I were ever to find myself wearing exactly what she is, that I would happily kill myself.

Oh help me oh God.