The United Kingdom's 14 point massacre in this years Eurovision is to be probed by an official Downing Street panel headed by the prime minister.

Gordon Brown was said to be 'feeling the pain' of the nation after the country's dismal performance.

A Downing Street insider said the prime minister was furious at Europeans who voted willy nilly just to make a point at our foreign policy.

"Our Eurovision performance has nothing to do with how poor the song was", said a spokesman.

Andy Abrahams was the only former dustman singer in this year's Eurovision song contest.

It's just bloody typical that the bloody bigots in Europe don't vote for our Andy even though his song wasn't very good. What's their problem? Are they all anti-dustmanists?

It's about time Europeans get over their bigotry and welcome former dustmen singers into the fold.

We say: all countries who didn't vote for us should be ashamed of themselves.

Voice of the Voice of Reason: There has been the regular outcry that we did badly in Eurovision again this year because of the block voting in eastern European countries.

The trouble is that our song, albeit probably one of the best ones of recent years, was pretty bland.

We can only really see if these ludicrously jingoistic critics are right when we have a song that is better than everyone elses and still it does badly. To win you need a tune that you can sing in the shower. If we have a great song that comes last then we'll believe it is fixed. So far that hasn't happened.

We shouldn't complain about our entry coming joint last this time, it was such a weak song.