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Britney
Crashes
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FREE
GRUEL FOR EVERY READER
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Global
Financial Disaster Hits 'D List'
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Celebrities
could be the biggest losers
following the latest collapse
in financial markets. Sheryl,
Jade and lovely Ben, could
have lost their tight fitting
shirts had they put their
money into the biggest stock
market losers of the last
week.
A
£300,000 celebrity investment
in Lehman Brothers, made just
last week, is now worth only
0p.
Westend
musical stars are thought
to be most at risk with fears
that some will never be able
to hit their high notes ever
again.
Reality
television stars, especially
ones from Big Brother 9, are
also thought to be at high
risk.
What
could be the worst celebrity
financial trading conditions
in living memory may mean
that many of the public's
favourites may never be as
rich and glittery ever again.
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16
Sept
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Insurance
Angst
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FREE
STALE PAN AU CHOCOLAT FOR EVER READER
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World's
Largest Insurance Company Now 87th
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AIG,
once the world's largest insurance
company, was, at the time of going
to print, now the 87th.
An
expert who watches insurance companies
going up and down the tables, Sir
Harry Meldew, explains:
"AIG
had been at the top of the table,
the pick of the crop, the pinnacle
of insuranceness, for a time, but
the moment it fell straight to number
10 in the list I knew something was
up, down."
Insurance
football specialists who have also
been watching AIG noted:
"We
are seeing the beginning of something
monumental here today. AIG, like Northern
Rock, was a sponsor of a Premiership
side and simply because of this their
outlook now looks bleak. There is
no such thing as coincidence in these
markets, everything effects everything
and everything is terrible."
World
famous football company Manchester
United have AIG as shirt sponsors.
Manager Sir Alex Ferguson was unable
to give us a comment as he had just
'nipped to the loo'.
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16
Sept
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Click
here
to go theVoiceofReason .co.uk home page
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Pound
Pumpers
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FREE
STICK FOR EVERY READER
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Central
Banks Pump 10 Gazillion Into
Financial Markets
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The
Bank of England and the European
Central Bank, pumped gazillions
into the financial markets
this morning in a desperate
attempt to help spray down
the rampaging flames of destruction
with paper money.
Money,
some as young as two days
old, sloshed about the markets
helping to lubricate.
Banks,
some older than 200 years
old, clamoured for the gazillions
of money and thanked the Central
Banks in an Oliver type way,
asking for more in a sheepish
manner.
This
continuingly building disaster
in the making has sent some
bank and insurance company
shares to unbelievably low
depths of deepness, with widows
and orphans unlucky enough
to be holding those shares
being told by the market 'you
idiot for owning these shares
you deserve to die'.
-x-x-
Meanwhile,
the Governor of the Bank of
England, has written to the
Chancellor of the Exchequer
to tell him that inflation
is above the 2% target rate
again again:
My
Darling, sorry, inflation
up again! Must dash, Regards
Merv xx
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16
Sept
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Cliché
Heaven
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FREE
TIN OF BAKED BEANS FOR EVERY READER
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Financial
Armageddon Hits New High Lows
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Shares
crashed by as much as 3% today
as the all encompassing world
panic engulfed women, children
and besuited men drenched
in sweat as financial Armageddon
gedoned and nobody knew where
to turn to to avoid having
their heads shorn violently
from their shoulders by the
monster that is financial
markets.
Oil
prices, once seen as robustly
above $100, even plummeted
by as much as $2, and in some
cases $3 to $93.53.
Houses,
sometimes as high as £165,000
slumped to £164,000,
and £163,500 in some
places. A new low not seen
since 5am yesterday.
Speaking
on the telephone, a palaeontologist
with a pension plan told us:
"This
is the worst financial crisis
of the last billion years.
Not since dinosaurs became
extinct have we seen the markets
as jittery as this."
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16
Sept
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