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TV
Ads
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FREE
SNORKEL FOR EVERY READER INSIDE TODAY
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HBOS
And LloydsTSB Pledge 'Worst
TV Ads Ever' Following Merger
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The
shock horror mega merger of
LloydsTSB and HBOS will not
stop the terrible Halifax
television ads, assures a
person inside the newly formed
LLoydsHTSBBOS today.
"We
now have 142,000 employees
to choose from and we intend
to continue scraping the bottom
of the barrel in our tongue-in-cheek
type way, except that from
now on all on-screen talent
must be able to ride a horse,"
said a spokesmare.
Halifax
Building Society came to national
prominence with its use of
ethnic minority employees
to head their advertising
campaigns in the 1990s. The
move was initially applauded
because many critics believed
the ads would be short lived,
unfortunately the ads have
never stopped and there have
recently been tear-filled
pleas for them to be removed
from our screens by some leading
television experts.
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19
Sept
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Saddam
Short Sellers
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FREE
PINT OF BEER FOR EVERY READER INSIDE TODAY (THIS
WAY UP, DO NOT SHAKE)
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Short
Sellers To Be Arrested, Held In Guantanamo
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Short
sellers are the new Saddam Hussein
and his regime, and are to be 'rounded
up' and those that survive sent to
Guantanamo at least until January,
according to reports coming in from
America.
A
short trader is a person who sells
a share he doesn't own and then buys
it back later if he still has a job.
From
8am this morning this practice has
been banned, thus saving British bank
HBOS from being taken over again.
Correction:
In an earlier article we accidentally
defined a short trader as a stock
market trader who is under 5 ft 3
inches tall. This was an error for
which we would like to sincerely apologise,
our only excuse was that we were drinking
a rather nice red wine at the time.
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19
Sept
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Click
here
to go theVoiceofReason .co.uk home page
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Merger
Mania
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FREE
WOOLLY JUMPER FOR EVERY READER INSIDE TODAY
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LloydsHalifaxBUST
Is New Name for Merged Mega
Bank
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At
last the new name of the bank
made from the panic merger
of HBOS and LloydsTSB can
be announced.
The
new name, LloydsHalifaxBUST,
will be used nation-wide from
early next year.
It
comes after plans to change
the name to Lloyds Halifax
Bank Of Scotland Trustee Savings
Bank Cheltenham And Gloucester
Clerical Medical were
dismissed by everybody apart
from TV commentator Jenkins
Murray-Walker, an analyst
at Walker Associates Investments:
"If
you believe, like I do, that
this credit crisis is caused
because of a lack of transparency
amongst financial institutions,
then where better to start
to rectify this situation
than with a name that truly
incorporates how bloody effing
enormous this bank now is?
So what if the name doesn't
trip off the tongue? These
are new financial times we
are moving in to. Soon, ten
syllable plus names will be
the norm."
Jenkins
Murray-Walker is also the
head of the City of London
lobby group 'Bring Back
the Bowler Hat'.
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19
Sept
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Short
Sellers Stopped
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FREE
ICKLE TIN OF MANDARIN ORANGES FOR EVERY READER
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All
Investors Under 5ft 3in Banned
From Trading
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The
FSA moved to stop all shorties
from trading this morning.
Short people were blamed for
the fall of HBOS this week
despite there being no evidence
that they were responsible
whatsoever.
A
spokesman for short traders
told this newspaper:
"I
am not really surprised by
this move, it's a bit inconvenient
however."
A
short person trades by picking
up the telephone followed
by shouting the name of the
stock with the instruction
to either buy or sell at the
person or computer at the
other end.
The
restrictions are to continue
for 4 months, during which
time all short people have
been told to stop trying to
undermine Western capitalism
with their collective Naploeon
complex.
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19
Sept
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