The Financial Times is to be renamed F-ing Hell Times for the foreseeable future.

A spokesman for the newspaper told itself: "These are horrendously dangerous financial times and our old name did not reflect how dangerous it now is. Depending on how the markets react we could resume our old name within six months. The advantage of the new name is that we can continue to use the 'FT' logo, although our guidance to media outlets is that the initials FT are spat out like phft, rather than the old way of saying it F.T.

In other news: The number of puppy dogs strangled has doubled in a month after the cost of dog food rose 5% according to dog food manufacturer Chubby Dogs Ltd.