Scotland's last bank, The Royal Bank Of Scotland, could be dead as a Scottish duck within the next five minutes, a former short seller of the stock told this newspaper this morning.

Royal Bank of Scotland also owns Nice But Dim Bank and the rights to the Loch Ness Monster.

A spokesman for the bank was unavailable for comment, but we understand that all brands of whisky have sold out in shops within a 5 mile radius of the head office in Edinburgh, normally a sign that things are tough.

No kilts were worn.