German Chancellor A Merkel has sent troops in to all German banks as a sign of strength this morning.

Heir Merkel criticised the Irish for invading their banks last week, but this was just a way to confuse the larger European nations, a thing just like A Hitler did, Hitler was also a German.

An expert in the EURO told this newspaper, "I'm looking for a new job. The Euro's day's are numbered. Armageddon just got a whole lot worse."

Bruce Willis, hunky A-list actor in the movie Armageddon, was unavailable for comment when we called him last night.

Germany, home of Adolf Hitler, has guaranteed all bank accounts, killing off all hopes that England's banks will survive this international crisis.

A spokesman with a funny accent told this newspaper:

"German Bonks are safe. We will protect the Bonks. No German Bonk will collapse."

If Germany has now backtracked and guaranteed all bank accounts, after only a day earlier criticising Ireland for doing the same thing, this is clearly an act of war. This is Chamberlain and Hitler all over again. This is World War Three right here, right now.

Pressure grows on the Home Office to expatriate all Germans by midnight tonight as the crisis deepens.

The future of the Euro was in further doubt this morning after Angela Merkel apparently said she was guaranteeing all German bank accounts.

A single currency means that this sort of thing shouldn't happen. But it has. And it's a disaster.

A senior war expert at the Met told this newspaper:

"The German guarantee of all bank accounts is an act of war. All German citizens should be repatriated at once. This is the end of the single currency, the single market. Europe is about to be plunged into war big time."

An expert in getting out of depressions told this news paper:

"A war is really the only way out of these financial problems. Citizens should stock up on canned goods and bottled water and build bomb shelters in their backyard. The Germans are coming."