John Sergeant, the premier political commentator cum temporary dance semipro, has quit Strictly Come Dancing after nine hilarious weeks at the top.

Sergeant, 48, will dance one more time on Saturday to prove the judges right.

A medium channelling the spirit of dance legend Fred Astair told this website:

"I am outraged at John's bullying in the newspapers and on the programme at the hands of the judges. None of them are worth a brass farthing pumpernickel."

The spirit of Fred Astair also added to the growing pressure on the controller of BBC One to step down:

"The will of the people was for John to come back each week. His resignation, after intolerable bullying from certain quarters, is typical of the BBC these days. The Corporation is too worried about saving its own arse that it's making too many mistakes. The BBC today stands for Buggered-Up Broadcasting Cockups in the spirit world."

Miss Piggy quit Muppet Strictly Come Dancing last night following a row over shoes.

The star, who came to prominence in The Muppet Show in the 1980's, was said to be too angry to answer questions at a news conference last night.

Her trademark karate chop was nowhere to be seen.

Muppet television's ace interrogator, Fluffy Bunny Paxman, shouted "It's all a load of old rubbish, get em off!"

Then an eagle type man who looked like the Chancellor of the Exchequer walked past in profile saying nothing...

John Sergeant did not fully embrace his own gayness to be successful on Strictly Come Dancing, that's according to our editor.

The awkward looking dancer, Sergeant, who even looked awful in sequins, was a poor match against the more muscular men with cute arses who would look more at home in an oily sweaty gay porno movie than on tea time telly.

An expert in metallurgy told this newspaper: "For men, ballroom dancing is all about finding the gay man in yourself and bringing that to the fore without falling over. John Sergeant just could not do that."

Austin Healy, retired rugby international, is now set to win the competition assuming that our voting boycott of the programme is rubbish this weekend.

To join our telephone boycott of the show this weekend follow our easy to follow steps:

1) Don't watch Strictly Come Dancing on Saturday.

2) Don't phone the show to vote for your favourite dancer.

'Strictly' Judges Should Be Sacked For Hounding Out Our John

The b*tch b*stard judges who likened the people's favourite John Sergeant to a 'dancing pig' should be sacked and told that they will never work in this town again.

Not that any of the judg-es knew what they were talking about, apart from the dancing bit.

The judges, of which there were four, forgot one important point of the programme and that is that it is democracy in action.

The judges must understand that it's not how good a dancer you are it's how popular you are that counts.

If it was dancing we all wanted then Michael Howard (who is by all accounts a mean waltzer) would have beaten Tony Blair at the last election.

The BBC must make up it's mind: is 'Strictly' a dancing show or a piece of popular entertainment?

If it is the latter, which it is if the people get to vote on it, then the will of the people must win or the voting is just a rip off. The BBC should now refund its license fee to anybody who wants one.

John Sergeant is to be offered a role as judge on Strictly Come Dancing next year, or he might even replace Bruce Forsyth if he chooses to step down, according to a computer program we ran on our Mac this morning.

BBC stalwart John Sergeant, who came to prominence when he almost poked Margaret Thatcher in the eye with his microphone when she resigned, was said to be spending more time with his knees after news of his resignation filtered out.

John Sergeant, 34, could make a million pounds through a Christmas sponsorship deal with Woolworth's the struggling high street store if they offered him it.