Harry Baggitt, an Irish man, plans to kill himself on his website tonight by eating banned Irish pork sausages.

DIOXIN DISASTER

"I have an arrangement with my local supermarket and they have given me all of the withdrawn Irish pork sausages that they have. I am going to kill myself by cooking them and eating them all, live from 9 tonight."

PORKER

Critics of the plan claim that his suicide attempt will not work and all that will happen is that he will just eat the sausages.

BANGER

"It's just a stunt, nothing bad will happen to Mr Baggitt, he will just make a fool of himself."

SILLY SAUSAGE

But experts in dioxin poisoning told this newspaper: "If he starts eating sufficiently large numbers of infected sausages at 9pm, by 1 in the morning hallucinations will begin, he will not make it to the morning. If the sausages are not sufficiently infected all you will see is a man farting and burping outrageously."

An Irish man who is planning to kill himself by eating Irish pork sausages on his website tonight is a complete disgrace.

The disgrace is not that he will try to kill himself, and that thousands will watch him do it, but that this is possibly one of the most boring suicide attempts ever seen.

Why oh why oh why doesn't he just fry the bleedin infected sausages and then jump out of a tall building? Do we have to think of everything?

Death By Sausage!

A man is set to kill himself by eating Irish sausages until toxins melt his brain, live from 9pm on watchmedie.com, an Express group website. His death, when it comes, will flag the end to an era of Irish agriculture that has benefited from having nothing to do with the great British mad cow disease crisis of the 90s. For naughty pictures of a sausage with a topless model, you'll just have to buy the newspaper.