HOROSCOPES JANUARY 2017
ARIES Mar 20 - Apr 19

The Jupiter inspired mayhem penciled in for 7th of the month onwards may be an opportunity for you to shine in a near superhero capacity to solve problems on the hoof and in the air.

Nuts, particularly almonds and walnuts, but not peanuts and hazel nuts, are randomly starred especially when eaten at the bar on yachts from small red bowls.

'Tantamount' is your word of the month and you should use it in any important or official communications especially on the phone (the official cell phone txt shortening of tantamount is tatmnt).

Bubbles are very well starred either in the bath, blown through a bubble hoop using washing up liquid, or even Michael Buble, who's latest album is very good.

This month your destiny is cantankerous.

CANCER Jun 21 - Jul 21

Grand theatrical musical productions in which you walk, singing coolly down a glittery staircase in top hat and tails, is well starred this month and well into March. Remember to keep your chin up so they can hear you at the back.

A low budget straight to DVD movie will look like a remarkable bargain around the 22nd of the month - only buy it if you need a piece of plastic to throw at the cat or for the dog to chew.

Superman, Supergirl but not Superdog continue to be well starred especially in any precarious burning building situations (that is unless Superdog has finally perfected his putting large fires out using cocked backleg urine power).

This month your destiny wears the bedraggled appearance of a singer songwriter without a sober business manager.

LEO Mar 20 - Apr 19

Misdirected anger towards technology is well starred this month, with a better than average chance that the technology being harangued will start working correctly after a while. This is, of course, a completely random occurrence and is nothing to do with the planets until 19th of the month in which case all technology is in the hands of Neptune and so all bets are off.

Yogurts with exotic flavourings are meanly starred this month, especially Greek yogurt, unless you are reading this in Greece and in particular any of the Greek islands and live within a mile of the sea. Take your swimming trunks with you everywhere from the 7th of the month and be prepared for water to violently come at you from all directions until dusk on the 18th.

Befriend a small person and they will lead you in many directions, one of which may be fulfilling financially.

This month your destiny is out to lunch.

VIRGO Aug 23 - Sept 21

"Oh no", "Oh my Gawd", "Jesus get the hell out of here" and "No, I'm not flubbing going in there," are all phrases you might reasonably expect to hear coming out of your own, or a fellow Virgo's, mouth this month as you enter what could very well be a haunted house, or it might just be a house it depends on which apparitions are in there, which things are being thrown through the air, and how long the blood stays on the walls. Go figure. There might be a useful book on Amazon we could recommend if we had time to look for it.

The colour flame-yellow is well starred this month, especially on Tuesdays until well into dusk on the 26th of the month especially when seen in open fires or easily struck matches.

Beware women in shorts who claim to be collecting door-to-door for some charity or other.

This month your destiny is accused of a crime.

TAURUS Apr 20 - May 19

Overlong and repetitive goodbyes may influence your decision to pursue a lucrative Japanese stationary contract this month. Even though you have done most of the negotiations on the phone, you have started bowing too much and Neptune is not impressed.

Market trading, auctioneering and buying a DVD on Ebay are well starred this month, except if it is a boxed set and the seller says the item is watched only once (he is technically telling the truth in that he took the DVDs out of the box and looked at the DVDs once but they were so scratched and bashed about he never put it in his DVD player to watch in the usual 'watch a DVD on the television' sense of the word.) Complain and you will get a refund.

You will discover a new cough medication this month that will do the trick nicely, but due to the amounts of alcohol involved you will forget what it is.

This month your destiny has an attitude.

LIBRA Sept 22 - Oct 22

Left over Christmas cake, even if Christianity is not your religion, will help solve a problem this month and you may be delighted with its impressive absorbency in any liquid leakage emergency.

Grand entrances, possibly with top hat and tails and one of those long stick thingies, are badly starred especially if it has been raining and the steps are wet.

Humus, Greek Yogurt and sun ripened tomatoes from Italy are okly starred individually but armageddonly starred if combined in a meal or buffet.

Hunting, cavorting, but not singing in the woods, are perfectly starred for that annual January trip to find yourself.

This month your destiny has a hangover.

SCORPIO Oct 23 - Nov 21

If they are right and the world is going to end in 2020 then you only have three years to achieve whatever it is you want to achieve in your life. Now may be the time to throw off the cloak of conformity and take that last final gamble. (See our disclaimer, below).

Running and jumping stupidly over roof tops, jamming your fingers into electrical sockets and crossing the road without looking are all perfectly starred this month (See the disclaimer, below).

Angry looking dogs may just be looking for a hug on the 24th of the month (See our disclaimer, below).

This month your destiny is average.

Disclaimer: theVoiceofReason.co.uk does not accept any responsibility for carrying out any of the predictions in this horoscope - if you decide to do so you do so at your own risk. These horoscopes are designed for entertainment only and are not to be relied upon in any life endangering activities.

SAGITTARIUS Nov 22 - Dec 21

Stomping about loudly in upstairs rooms with creaky wooden floorboards when you are angry is well starred this month, as are creepy bump in the night sounds which may be used to scare young or old people alike.

Negotiations involving some kind of timetable, or a confused senior citizen trying to catch a coach to Ipswich, are humorously starred. Saturn has put you on a red YouTube video alert, so make sure you have enough memory in your camera to record any laugh out loud moments of video sublimity.

Overreactions involving a cell phone are ominously starred around the 18th of the month.

This month your destiny has concerns over global warming.

GEMINI May 20 - Jun 20

This month there is a black and white romantic comedy movie advisory in place for all of the month with particular concerns over mustaches of the Douglas Fairbanks variety.

Jam, jammin' and jamming things into other things, are all perfectly well starred in any tea party or dance in a room where alcohol or drugs are not allowed to be consumed and top buttons are firmly fastened.

Waltzes, Foxtrots but not the Scottish Highland Fling are all well starred, as always in view of your typically Gemininian back complaint.

This month your destiny hysterically demands a new colour to complete an interior decorating endeavour.

CAPRICORN Dec 22 - Jan 19

A New Year's resolution is about to take on all of the characteristics of a cult organisation, including the complicated hierarchy and names of leaders including titles such as 'The Great' and 'The Omnipotent'.

Chants involving the holding of low tones for up to five minutes are starred well in most situations, but not in shower rooms and public toilets especially public toilets for the opposite sex (it's a long story and if we had an 0898 number at this point you could rest assured we would put the details on there.)

This month your destiny has the ambitions of a contestant in the early stages of American Idol, but without the talent: Cry / don't cry you still ain't going any further.

AQUARIUS Jan 20 - Feb 17

New Year's resolutions involving jumping, hopping or kangaroos are perfectly starred especially up and until 16th of the month.

WARNING: There is a nakedness advisory set against this, plus an 'only try this at home' request.

Scraping the bottom of the barrel is set to be well starred this month, especially with spoons on metal poles scraping in an easterly direction, which just so happens to be the same direction Jupiter is carelessly spinning this month.

Drumming is well starred for much of the month, especially fingers on counters and spoons on jars.

This month your destiny has an idea for a new business venture later in the year.

PISCES Feb 18 - Mar 19

Your accurate 4% of the time ability to predict things will improve a massive 27% this month, to over 5%, but even so your abilities still need to be carefully proved to your skeptical public.

Arguments involving science are well starred this month, especially if a simple experiment can be used to prove your argument. Ensure you have enough petri-dishes, test-tubes and pestles and mortars in your store cupboard for the inevitable challenges.

Harmonicas and other maudlin sounding mouth instruments are effeminately starred this month in an exuberantly lets put on a musical kind of 1950s way.

This month your destiny makes no grammatical sense at all.