HOROSCOPES APRIL 2017
ARIES Mar 20 - Apr 19

Bangkok, Beaverlick (Kentucky) and Butt Hole Road (Doncaster, England), are all controversial sounding place names set to provide moments of travel based angst this month. Beware travel representatives and their minions for much of the month, especially those with clipboards stuffed to bursting with yellow forms.

Tripping over random objects left on the carpet, either where you live or elsewhere, will bring an Olympic quest type challenge to your life this month, and for much of May, also. Mars suggests walking around objects rather than somersaulting head-over-heals over them as if to impress someone you wish to woo. Unfortunately, your woo-wishing ability is under the influence of Jupiter who has advanced plans to trip and break you on varied and unspecified days.

Homoerotica in all of its colours and flavours is set to provide an erotic undertone to a moment of telephone madness around the 6th April.

This month your destiny is in charge of hot to medium mint sucking sweets.

CANCER Jun 21 - Jul 21

Is it possible that a small heirloom you have forgotten about but is in the back of a cupboard or drawer, is set to make this month zing with interplanetary supernatural well being? The answer in short is yes...

Neptune is attempting to provide you with war time, or at least 1930's-40's, type money saving tip advice and the use of old artifacts from relatives past is a neat way of getting the advice across on your plane of reality and at the same time has a good prospect of scaring the willies out of you if it all goes wrong. Beware old cigarette lighters, pendants of goats, and pearly things until well into dusk of the 27th.

Your use of expletives is set to increase 5.765% this month as Saturn hyperventilates.

Your destiny will take the form of a pudding filled with raisins but not sultanas.

LEO Mar 20 - Apr 19

Not many days go by without some person who knows you actually (or wanting to but can't bring themselves to do it) dropping to their knees and worshiping the ground in front and saying "I am not worthy." This will continue this month and well into the foreseeable future.

Leo is the only star sign that almost rhymes with Hero, and there is a reason for this: Saturn loves ya baby! and has your back in all heroic endeavours you choose this month. There is nothing you cannot do, nothing you cannot sing and nothing you cannot achieve to budget and on time.

Cataclysm or cataclysmic may be the words your are looking for in a crossword or word puzzle on the 10th.

An old man is determined to show you a thing or two about a thing or two when it comes to water pursuits after a light lunch on the 21st.

VIRGO Aug 23 - Sept 21

'Virgo And The Chaos Theory' is the title of a very very long book. Virgo butterflies are responsible for more hurricanes than any other insect on earth. This month your chaos quotient is set to 'high and rising', and could be set to increase to 'tremendous explosion' on the chaos dial.

But telling you to beware is like trying to balance eggs on top of each other, isn't it though? And you have heard such warnings from this website before... Remember, we predicted the credit crunch before world governments did - Saturn told us it was all going to end badly in 2008, and Saturn is now giving us the same warning for Virgo and eggs.

Make the most of your increasing sexiness from the 12th to woo someone you admire, remembering that chaos is your friend.

This month your destiny chews the cud in the cow in the field of dreams.

TAURUS Apr 20 - May 19

If there is one star sign that the term 'boom and bust' refers to it is Taurus. You are the action star sign of the zodiac, and you know all there is to know about financial, as well as actual, bubbles.

Saturn is now on-side to help out either financially, or more probably to give you help on the actual 'bubbly' bubbles side. Look out for a hard to resist recession busting deal on a bubble making machine that will make you the sensation of your neighbourhood amongst the under 10 age group.

Of course, the cynics out there will point out that he term 'boom and bust' can also be interpreted differently, and could also mean you like blowing things up, and/or you like big chests or head and shoulder only statues. Whatever the heck it means you've got it by the barrow load this month thanks to Jupiter's kindly wink. So what if more members of the Taliban are Taurus than any other star sign?

This month your destiny plays chess with fate.

LIBRA Sept 22 - Oct 22

After last month's realisation that Libra is the only star sign with the word 'bra' in it, comes the downside. It is also the only star sign (of two) that has the word 'lie' almost in it (Aries is the other one - Gemini and Pisces also have it but they are not adjacent letters so don't count, and Virgo, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Aquarius, Cancer, Capricorn have just one letter). [When will these patterns ever end?] This month, lies and untruths in all of their shapes, colours and volumes, will pepper an otherwise only so-so month.

Yachting, windsurfing and moist beach posing are all well starred as long as you have the weather for it, if you don't they are poorly to badly starred.

1970s disco dancing might be about to make a comeback. Certainly the fashion styles are finally coming back, so that 1970's style brown T-shirt you bought in the late 1990's is about to be in fashion. (Did you know?: Jupiter and Saturn both have Saturday Night Fever as their favourite disco movie of all time!)

Thought: Your destiny is trying to fruit, let it ripen.

SCORPIO Oct 23 - Nov 21

There may be be a law against me telling you to take up a crime, but this month you are about to discover that crime pays and it pays in fat oodles of ripe and ready cash.

Opportunities to practice your criminality will present itself in many and varied forms this month, possibly involving people you know, have seen on crime shows on the TV, or have stumbled upon down dark alleys at night. Any which way, give it your best shot and hope that the law enforcement officers that half heartedly specialise in stopping your particular crimes are Taureans who have enough on their plates this month than to worry about little old harmless you.

Donkeys are well starred in any reenaction of biblical scenes, although watch out behind the donkey they call 'Dropsey'.

This month your destiny wears the floppy hat of a World War One pilot.

SAGITTARIUS Nov 22 - Dec 21

Sagittarius find it almost impossible to throw things away. Their junk room is pretty much taking over their whole house, their whole life, and they laugh openly and at length in the faces of those who try to tell them to get rid of stuff. But will they listen?

Communal recycling has always been a mystery to this star sign. Surely, they say, people can reuse plastic bottles and make them into useful things - such as pots for plants or containers for earrings? Surely old newspapers can be mashed up and molded into papier machie for a creative crafting session, and stuff?

If Pluto has its way this month, now is the time for Sagittarius to end their anti-recycling, for that is really what they are suffering from. It is time to embrace cleansing trips to the recycling dump and baths in which you let the water flush down the drain and not into a giant home-made container.

On the negative side, your destiny is determined to make you need something you have just thrown out.

GEMINI May 20 - Jun 20

Irritation and irritants are the watchwords throughout your Gemini April. Mohair, itchy moustaches and greasy food will all collide on your celestial irritation chart to provoke you into action...

Smashing your fist on glass tables slightly not hard enough to go through them, slamming doors just enough so that they bang but don't fall off the hinges, and screaming at the top of your voice but without scaring small children or babies, are in prospect.

This month you are at a 5% chance of being slapped in the face with a wet fish for some reason or other.

Your destiny wears the tight shorts of an overeager teenage cheerleader.

CAPRICORN Dec 22 - Jan 19

Capricorn are the saint and sinner sign. Critics of the planets, of which there are surprisingly a large number, say this is just horoscopists hedging their bets. But on the positive side it means that you are free to be both a goody two-shoes and a complete bastard in the blink of an eye (or maybe you can force someone else to blink their eye for you if have fully embraced your Capricorn evilness). That's the beauty of being Capricorn!

This month whichever lifestyle, that of hero or villain, you have chosen, you will exceed expectations in all parameters that can measure such success.

Skulduggery and pirating on the mainland are particularly well starred, especially on Wednesday afternoons well into the third quarter of 2018.

This month, your destiny is flat on its back in a sunny grassy field.

AQUARIUS Jan 20 - Feb 17

Uranus has a problem this month. If looked at from afar, all looks to be well in the celestial heavens. But it isn't. Uranus is troubled and because of this all is not well for Aquarius everywhere.

Uranus's problems are many and varied and all of them will determine your life in some way this month. Credit difficulties, debit difficulties, short selling, long selling, fat selling and drop selling are all badly starred.

Driving North to South, but not South to North, is very well starred this month so those on a Northerly one way journey are in for a treat - those going the other way will be bowed by problems and planetary pummelings.

This month your destiny will be like cold unwanted potatoes left in the saucepan after boiling.

PISCES Feb 18 - Mar 19

Good advice that you have ignored in times past by using the method of putting your fingers in your ears, closing your eyes and saying to yourself "I'm not listening", are set to lead to trouble this month - You should have listened to a rant inspired by Jupiter around the 6th of March... Batten down the hatches, the President Trump inspired economic boom is about to become the least of your worries...

Another thing that you ignored in February is also set to return with much fanfare. The charts show there is a danger of flooding, or at least wetness. Try not to be cornered.

And another thing you half heard in January is set to come back to haunt you too!

Be on guard throughout the month for incoming missiles up to and including the size of a cooking apple.

This month your destiny wears the in-ear headphones of a Pisces who refuses to change.