HOROSCOPES MAY 2017
ARIES Mar 20 - Apr 19

Form filling, making tea, and clipping coupons from newspapers - but not magazines - are all well starred this month. Hammering nails are mediumly starred. Everything else is poorly to toe-curlingly starred.

Dangerous sports should be avoided, along with any sports that you play dangerously.

Throwing dices (we know the plural of dice is die but it would sound eerie considering what we are about to expound) are hideously badly starred to such a point that were the World Health Organisation, or even the rock group The Who for that matter, or even Doctor Who, not busy on their own unique panics at the moment, they would be creating a panic about Aries throwing dices. Yes, we are talking miniature Armageddon scale trouble. Mild bruising. Eerie sounds. People tapping you on the shoulder when you are not expecting it to scare the willies out of you...

This month centipedes and millipedes have a message from Mars for you, but how can you possibly understand? Try Googling it after dawn on the 7th..

CANCER Jun 21 - Jul 21

Not being able to see the wood from the trees doesn't quite sum up this month.

It's more like you can't see the blindfold factory because you are wearing a blindfold.

You can see the distinction here: in a wood at least you can take a step back to see the trees (unless you are in the unlikely situation that your nose is stuck in a knot in a tree). If you have a blindfold on you can see nothing but the inside of the blindfold... Twist your neck too and fro - no difference. That's this month in a concise snippet.

Congestion, perhaps involving road traffic, problems with your cell phone network or possibly mucus, are all set to pepper this month with problems of the waiting, and waiting and coughing-sneezing, kind.

Certainty over an old saying could be tested by a three year old child this month. Beware.

LEO Mar 20 - Apr 19

Leo is the Superman star sign without the ability to fly, see x-ray-edly, or to make bullets bounce off their body. The benefit of being a Superman without these powers is limited in scope, but you make the most of it in an endearing glass half-full type way. Sometimes Leos get depressed at their lack of powers but never fear, dogs love Leo and always have a welcoming lick, nose in the groin nudge, or paw. (On the negative side, cats hate your living guts, but you can't have everything.)

Earrings and nipple piercing's look set to pop their way through the month. Perhaps you have plans to get a piercing, or maybe someone you know does, or third possibility: someone may become accidentally impaled by your actions in a horribly, but surprisingly unbloody, type way. The signs are all there, just like in The Omen when that guy took a picture and you saw a bolt of lightening go into the guy who later got struck by lightening. The only good thing is that there won't be that scary music.

Beware denominations of 5 in all paper money. $5s, €5s or £5s all bode ill. No other money counts.

VIRGO Aug 23 - Sept 21

During ups and downs this month, favour the ups in the ratio 5 to 1. In particular, avoid the exhalations of 'Weee-eeeeeee' in any up, and particularly down, slides, falls or slips.

Polar bears and penguins, yes we know they live on different continents, are both absolutely terribly starred. Avoid both at the risk of icy, watery, funny out take grade, conclusions.

Neptune has a plan to put on a musical to raise money for the local youth group. Don't get involved - run away and don't come back until the fat lady with the heavy eyebrows has sung and it's been on the news or YouTube whichever happens first.

An eating or drinking competition may provide extreme toilet based excitement in an otherwise humdrum month.

This month your destiny has a 9% chance of pulling through.

TAURUS Apr 20 - May 19

Daredevil speeding, the love of 'daring do', macho car races on public highways, hearty slaps on the back from other daredevil types, are set to pepper this month in either reality or a nice action packed dream on the 18th of the month in a Fast And The Furious type way.

Full body searches are also well starred from the 6th onwards until late on the 29th. Slaps on bottom cheeks are particularly well starred around the 5th, especially when going through airport security.

Chocolate is mediumly starred, but when eaten with caramel this goes up to a full 6 on the celestial luck charts. Lottery wins are more than 0.1% more likely after eating chocolate this month, if Neptune has his way.

Watch out for reruns of a 1980s hit TV show around the 14th.

LIBRA Sept 22 - Oct 22

More patterns will appear this month. Look out in particular for the numbers 36, 66, 89 and 25,768,656,897,987 which will pepper your month mystically at frequent intervals on all plains or reality, including the plane of unreality.

Beware men, women, and web sites that pretend to know your future - apart from this web site as we told you first.

Ignore in particular the advice given you by anyone called Larry, apart from Larry King on CNN, although ignore everything else CNN says as you probably already do anyway. Where did they go wrong?

Goose eggs are highly recommended this month as Neptune attends a bird watching course which has an integrated cookery module.

This month your destiny has the frown of a bewildered sailor.

SCORPIO Oct 23 - Nov 21

Cantankerous old crinkled men and women of an advancing age are set to provide problems you only heard were possible while half reading problem pages in old peoples magazines in the dentist's or doctor's waiting room... Plying these troublesome folk with flowers or fishing tackle may be the only way to get on the good side of these bitter old gippers.

Walking, hiking, sauntering, are all set to provide well needed exercise this month, especially if accompanied by a dog or any pet happy to playfully snap at your heels.

Bird eating mammals, including spiders and scorpions, are all on hand to add a Disney type experience at times throughout the month, as long as any blue 'tweety' type birds are kept out of harms way.

This month your destiny is in shock, don't make any loud noises.

SAGITTARIUS Nov 22 - Dec 21

A fat person you have secretly cruelly nicknamed 'The Blob' could be set for secret, cruel, nickname revenge this month. Beware strangers smiling on your approach and possibly snickering at your expense. Does 'The Blob' know of your secret, cruel, nickname and is scheming to bring you down? or was this all just a Saturn inspired coincidence?

Fish racing is a new sport you are set to invent, or at least aid in its invention this month. Handled correctly, this could be the next Twitter type internet sensation. Well done, thank your lucky planets, especially Uranus.

A lotion, or some sort of creamy substance, is set to provide moments of glee this month if Saturn has anything to do with it. Rumours of an anti-aging cream that actually works are set to add excitement to your beautifying endeavours.

Look out behind you 5% more than usual for incoming scares.

GEMINI May 20 - Jun 20

This month you should prepare yourself for a short sharp shock. This could be in the form of a surprise encounter with one of those television correction experts, perhaps Supernanny, or that loud army guy who does boot camp.

The stars are unclear if it is to be you that is the subject of correction or someone you know, or maybe even someone you met once - give us a break the stars are millions of miles away, there is scope for a lot of errors in predictions like this, you're lucky you get coherent sentences at times it's really complicated doing this.

Horses are well starred, especially the riding of them side-saddle on some kind of parade. Oh, that reminds us: Avoid the temptation to remove your shirt in any gay parade unless you can count at least a three and a half pack on your abdominal's.

Running, jumping, but not skipping are well to moderately starred from the 15th.

CAPRICORN Dec 22 - Jan 19

Have you not learned anything from Susan Boyle? Just because a person looks a particular way doesn't mean they are that way.

Having said that there are important exceptions...

Big, hard looking skinheads with tattoos and big thick forearms, probably are exactly as tough as they look, and even if they aren't they see themselves that way so its probably best to give them a wide berth. And if they want to sing 'I Dreamed A Dream' for you like Susan Boyle did on Britain's Got Talent that time, you should let them do it. You might be surprised, or not, but in any case a polite round of applause is the bare minimum.

Vegetarianism, Veganism and Vulcanism are all concepts beginning with v that Venus is keen to introduce to you: enjoy a v-based voyage of discovery.

This month archery and Robin Hood fashions, are surprisingly well starred.

AQUARIUS Jan 20 - Feb 17

Saturn has a tune in her planetary head and she can't stop singing it. The song is 'My Heart Will Go On' (from the movie Titanic) and at the end of each line the planet does a theatrical jig that sends the forces of the cosmos in your direction. All Aquarius are thus set for another eventful month for which plan making looks doomed to failure in increasingly bizarre ways.

The old Chinese curse 'to live in interesting times' could be the sub header to your news print reported triumphs and failures this month, or it could be an excuse for you to do nothing, or to do everything, the planets seem happy to allow you to make up your own mind this month.

Crash courses are particularly badly starred as you will find it difficult to learn anything of consequences with all this planetary singing going on.

This month the dawn of your destiny has the scent of the fragrant Starling.

PISCES Feb 18 - Mar 19

Crooning in all of its forms is well starred this month, especially on Tuesdays after dinner. Frank Sinatra's "Shooo be dooo biee dooo" and "Bojangles" are particular favourites of both Saturn and Neptune.

Tubers, the potatoey vegetable type, not tubas the musical instruments, are well starred from the 7th of the month and for the rest of the year. The general Pisces musical instrument warning is now at level 4, or in drum language that's a medium size bang.

Excruciating screams and cymbal bangs may come in from the west or they might not depending on cloud formations over the Asian peninsula after the 16th.

This month your destiny wears the frock of an overeager 12 year old party goer who has eaten too much cake.