HOROSCOPES JULY 2017
ARIES Mar 20 - Apr 19

Travel is set to come under the direct influence of a niggled Pluto and its 'moons' this month. Traffic lights, rail crossing lights and road crossing lights are set to act in an erratic fashion as Pluto attempts to prove it has the powers of a real planet and not just a cluster of large rocks..

Moon walking, but not disco dancing in which you point at things during the 'performance', are well starred especially in any Michael Jackson tribute or celebration of his life.

Greetings, including hearty hugs and slaps on the back are perfectly starred in moderate measure, as are kisses on the cheek, but only in Europe.

This month your destiny is just like the wired netting in cage fighting that takes the weight of the man being punched in the head and body until he is knocked unconscious.

CANCER Jun 21 - Jul 21

Your discovery of a popular Australian television show for pre schoolers involving talking bananas in their pajama's, is set to answer a riddle or maybe explain a dream you have been having recently. Banana custard is well starred for any dessert at meal times, as, too, is any comedy skit in which people unexpectedly skid about on improbably placed banana skins.

Your concerns for the environment will be put into second place to your need to organize a smoky barbecue on the 18th. This could herald a violent end to a fish, a sausage or possibly a beef burger.

This month your destiny carry's the heavy load of a disheveled strong backed donkey of Ibiza.

LEO Mar 20 - Apr 19

Going out and coming home again are well starred for all of the month (this also includes for medium sized pets and smallish hand held plants).

Saturn, and one of Mercury's undiscovered moons, are in cahoots to bring to an end a conflict or a micro war you have been having with someone who deserves a good kicking (a micro war is when two or three people feud and stare at each other). The offering of a bunch of flowers or a box of chocolates are probably the best signs of contrition and should be accepted before the person offering them realizes what he/she has done.

The Earth's Moon is determined to wreak havoc on the weather dependent plans for all the 600 million or so Leos this month. Beware weather forecasts in all of their forms especially if the forecaster is a Sagittarius or Taurean.

This month your destiny is like a goat with bad breath and unforgiving teeth.

VIRGO Aug 23 - Sept 21

You know how it is when strange, inexplicable, things happen when you do something you always do, and then the exact same thing you do another day leads to nothing strange and inexplicable happening? Welcome to our world of planetary mayhem...

Jupiter has recently borrowed a book out of the library on witchcraft and has chosen Virgo as the star sign to try various experiments. Beware straw effigies dressed like you, hand drawn pictures of you with strange characters or diagrams on it and Latin passages with what looks clearly like your name in it... Also, try not to keep touching your nose and then your ear within a second of each other as this looks just like that witch woman on TV's popular Bewitched which is one of Jupiter's favourite programs...

Haciendas, olive groves and red drinks with pieces of fruit floating in them are moderately dangerously starred when occurring together until well into September 2018, individually they are only poorly starred.

This month your destiny has a slight case of the heebie jeebies.

TAURUS Apr 20 - May 19

Long words that end in 'ick' or 'ia' are well starred this month, as are your chances of success if you were to enter any spelling competitions. This, of course, doesn't mean you will win a spelling competition, it just means that you have a 1-3% better chance than you normally would have done. That means if you suck bad normally then you will continue to suck bad because 1-3% less sucking bad doesn't make a much of a difference, but if you are border line sucking bad to bad then it could shift you up to the bad category. Of course if you are in the borderline brilliant to genius bracket then an extra 1-3% could make all the difference.

Standing on one leg in a field may well unexpectedly answer that old question 'Does a tree that falls in the wood make a sound?' This answer may well come to you in a feeling rather than words. Yes, pins and needles in your leg could be the answer.

Sumo size people will become increasingly attracted to you as the month goes on. Avoid throwing sand over your shoulder as it will only encourage them.

This month your destiny wears checked shirts and checked trousers at the same time.

LIBRA Sept 22 - Oct 22

The Okie Kokie, and indeed any dance that requires grown men to hold each others hands are well starred - especially when putting your left leg in and shaking it all about.

Trees and flowers are well starred especially on Tuesdays and Sundays.

When setting off on long to middling walks, Pluto suggests starting off on the left leg. Do this and the planet promises rewards aplenty.

'Geronimo!', 'Yahooooo!' but not 'Weeee!' are the best ways to show extreme enjoyment such as when parachuting, sliding down those water slide thingies or jumping suddenly into water.

This month your destiny has flip flopping tendencies.

SCORPIO Oct 23 - Nov 21

The planets will be paying their own individual tributes to pop legend Michael Jackson this month (even though putting the word 'pop' in front of the word 'legend' somehow seems to downgrade the 'legend' bit to all but Neptune). The immediate upshot of this, this month, up until dusk on the 19th, is that moonwalking will become childishly easy in the front, back and sideways directions.

However, a warning: plastic surgery will continue to be badly starred especially nose jobs that have a 5% chance of going wonky until mid November. Injecting stuff is also problematic until the cock crows on the 28th. Cutting your eyebrows is mostly badly starred in any body hair removal regime (the best starred is carefully around the private bits).

Beetles, lizards and insects that hiss or nip with pincers when they are angry are all well starred

This month your destiny is determined to jump to a conclusion.

SAGITTARIUS Nov 22 - Dec 21

Fashionably out of control manly hairstyles, a ripped chest and a deep voice are well starred this month; as are tight thighs, firm large breasts and a healthy tan.

Straw hats and sun tan lotion may provide the solution to a riddle involving sandy beaches and a towel around the 5th or 8th.

Cartwheels, hand stands, head stands, single arm press ups, sit ups and sand castles the shape of gymnasiums, are all enthusiastically starred.

This month your destiny has a lisp and is determined to say Mississippi.

GEMINI May 20 - Jun 20

Corporate finance is well starred this month in all of its sinister hues. (If you want to put in an expenses claim do it by the 10th of the month while Jupiter's aspersions are widely cast.)

History, geography but not physics are high school subjects that will offer intellectual solace in an otherwise humdrum month.

Verbs and nouns, but not adjectives, are well starred when used in sentences especially on posters or on the Internet on any site other than twitter, facebook and myspace.

This month your destiny is like a fruit basket slightly past its best before date: outwardly filled with promise, but with the danger of a squashy one where you don't expect it.

CAPRICORN Dec 22 - Jan 19

A hostage situation, or maybe you have locked yourself out again, is in prospect this month.

Praying to the sun, and barking at the moon, will continue to be problematic at times, especially when it is cloudy and you aren't sure where the moon is at night. Remember that perseverance is generally the curse of those who have nothing else to do whose only hope is that something might eventually turn up.

This month your destiny is too busy mourning to bother.

AQUARIUS Jan 20 - Feb 17

A cliché involving money will serve you well this month, at least until the third Tuesday of the month, up to bank closing time. Jupiter is planning to invite all Aquarius to celebrate its upcoming 5 billionth birthday with a party. It's all pretty vague at the moment as is the exact date of its birth, but pencil in a party give or take a couple of million years from this month.

Wearing athletic clothing (including sporty shoes) to give the appearance that you are actually a fit, sporty, person may present confusion at the supermarket or park this month when an elderly person may look to you to use your supposed athletic abilities telegraphed by your clothing to perform some kind of standing upright support.

This month your destiny has its finger in a number of pies.

PISCES Feb 18 - Mar 19

Bar brawling, insult hurling, and scientifically directioned spitting, are just some of the highly starred activities this month to affect all Pisces. Mars is feeling a little lairy, a little irksome, pesky even, and will leave no interplanetary stone unturned until something kicks off and someone gets a bruising. If you are normally of a gentle disposition you will have to keep a close eye on your violent sighs all month, and remember you are on your own if you decide to go down the stern looks route... Mars is millions of miles away and it may take months before it can send any interplanetary help your way...

Animals, impressed but not a little scared by your new found aggression, are determined to win your favours by performing for you. Ensure you have a camera with you all month to capture their comical and endearing antics.

This month you destiny takes a bow.