HOROSCOPES SEPTEMBER 2017
ARIES Mar 20 - Apr 19

Anvils, molten steel, but not oversized hammers, are moderately starred this month, as are oversized hats and trombones.

Women who inadvertently purr and men who grunt are badly starred particularly in the shower.

Beware the tolling of the bell for which you previously asked whom it tolled. Nothing good will come of it.

Ernest Hemingway tops the charts of dead writers that are enticingly priced reads you should avoid this month, at least until Saturn transects a trajectory of literary significance.

Your faith in corporate governance is about to be tested by an aggressive banker who doesn't know his APR from his elbow.

CANCER Jun 21 - Jul 21

A movie with an overwhelmingly blue hue which involving lots of blue sea, toplessness and women in bikinis, are well starred, particularly for our Australian, Bermudan and Hawaiian readers.

Geronimo! Yahoo! and Wackoff! are all now internet adopted exclamations you should treat with care until the cock crows for the 6th of the month.

Chipmunks, especially the Walt Disney Chip and Dale types (including all of their furry relations) are so badly starred it is best to delay any picnics in national parks in which you intend to sit on a yellow blanket with a brown picnic basket filled with delicious treats.

Tree felling, coyotes running through with Acme products and emu-cheeky-types exclaiming "me me", "moi moi", or "moom moom" depending on which country you live in, are all variously badly starred depending on a number of factors far too complex to go into here. Normally we would have a premium rate telephone number for you to call at this point charging 75c a minute, but we don't. Just run away. And remember us to your friends when this piece of advice comes true.

LEO Mar 20 - Apr 19

Falling off, under, and over things are periodically well starred this month, following Saturn's summer activity vacation at a combined television movie stunt and pro wrestling course.

This month the newly invigorated Saturn is set to teach you that, as your age progresses in the inadvertent as well as professional stunt industry, the successful fall is the one in which you successfully hide the full pain you are in at the end of it. Nobody wants to hear the kind of 'aaarrgghhhh' of honest excruciating pain regardless of what they may claim.

Kneading dough is well starred this month. Perhaps work out a way of using this planetary inspired talent to make new over weight flabby friends.

The number 5 is about to have significance on a remote control or a telephone key pad - press it with confidence for best results.

VIRGO Aug 23 - Sept 21

A granny style woman with a hair bun, flowery blouse and fat flat brown shoes with the same color brown flower on the tip toe, is set to provide moments of cookie and cup cake based solace in an otherwise cake barren month.

On the positive side, somebody's amazingly bad fortune is about to provide you with a piece of well needed good fortune this month. Luckily you have no idea the pain your good fortune has been won from the misfortunes of others.

Magic, involving rabbits appearing unexpectedly behind enraptured pre teens ears, should not pull your eyes off the road at various times on the 18th.

Running in designer clothes on sandy Malibu type beaches is about to become a way of life, you glamorpuss you.

TAURUS Apr 20 - May 19

Your rugged Taurean good looks and widely acknowledged effortlessness in any heroic encounters, are set to mark this month as one of mayhem set at bay. Avoid your newfound urge to fly building to building, back flips and running fast at high altitudes especially when fighting any bald or shaven headed foes. A popular cleaning product will disappoint when trying to remove a tomato ketchup stain from your cape at noon on the 17th.

Snakes and antelopes are surprising bedfellows during a surprise twist of fate on the 23rd of the month at around tea time.

Moonlit walks and kissing are well starred unless you are in Afghanistan or Iraq airspace.

Jimmy Crack Corn And I Don't Care is about to attain a mysterious new meaning involving cooked green beans.

LIBRA Sept 22 - Oct 22

Hair extensions and hand held hairdryers (when set to their lowest temperature setting) are both starred well in as far as it is possible to tell, although settings hot to ultra hot and above are too difficult to read. Take precautions and be ready to re-wet your hair at the smallest of smoky warnings.

A quest over mountainous terrain, icy slopes and/or watery crevices are abjectly undesirably starred, especially when sweepy classical orchestral music with a lacklustre urgentness is playing in the background. Take an mp3 player and play hip hop with a loudness as if your very life depends on it.

Gloves, handcuffs and possibly thick hand cream are well starred as long as your grip is not required for protracted holding-on to people hanging on for dear life off tall buildings or cliffs.

Dawn of the 17th holds out the prospects of a win or a lucky finding.

SCORPIO Oct 23 - Nov 21

Singing jaunty, uplifting, songs over/through/around the camp fire, and scaring youngsters with ghost stories are both adequately starred, as Mercury is keen to scare others from afar.

Puppets, especially hand puppets worked from underneath a table to the amusement of young children, are set to give the performer a well needed lesson on excruciating back and neck pains. (Advice for back pain suffering puppeteers: Ensure that your reaction to the first loud click/crack heard coming from your back is heeded with humility and avoid any attempts at any attitude approaching 'the show must go on.' - No the show must end now, badly if necessary.)

Neck and back pains included, shouting and wailing are about to become a way of life particularly on Tuesdays.

A sinister man with a milky eye is set to provide moments of abject terror when you drop your keys in the street on the 9th.

SAGITTARIUS Nov 22 - Dec 21

Horse whinnying, neighing and snorting are all horsy sounds set to pepper an otherwise not particularly horsy filled month this September. Avoid running and jumping onto the back of a horse and shouting 'giddy up!' into well through dusk of the third Thursday of November.

Nose flicking and ear boxing are two ancient sports set to reappear surreptitiously in your Fox Sports dominated viewing schedule this month.

Flushing the toilet on the 18th could be misconstrued by alien UFOs flying past the window at the time. Flush quickly and confidently to avoid unwelcome attention and difficult to dislodge metallic probes.

Inhibitions may help you avoid an embarrassing incident involving water filled balloons and topless waitresses on the 6th.

GEMINI May 20 - Jun 20

Roaring, saying 'argh!' and stabbing your hand in the air threateningly, are all starred upwards of 7 on the appropriate scale for more times than not this month.

Drinks in tall elegant glasses that are served automatically with cherries and olives are perfectly starred at last, following a period of poor planetary attention. Hangovers in particular are set to lessen by up to 0.4% as the month progresses with Jupiter picking up the celestial tab.

War movies in which Jake Gyllenhaal stars are so badly starred that in Ireland the leprechauns will be placarding the movie theatres in which any film he has out at the moment is being shown. It's a shame because he put in a lot of hard work in bulking up his physique for the movie.

Beware being seduced by the ending credits of a favorite television show or movie. It is not your want to know what an assistant grip does.

CAPRICORN Dec 22 - Jan 19

After last month's intrigue with a person who looks 25% like a movie star, this month you are set to encounter a person with a self improvement program that promises a movie star-like body in 6 easy weeks. Unfortunately the body the person is referring to is Dick Cheney's, and not Taylor Lautner or Chris Hemsworth that you might reasonably assume he meant. But he didn't. Read the small print at all times, especially sections 4 thru 8.2.

Powerpack Abs planetary tip: 1000 sit ups a day will, over time, give you a ripped ab physique that will be welcomed by any self respecting Men's Health cover magazine editor... but the downside of this is that sit-ups mean looking at your knees a lot - something to think about in the months it will take to make your abs as hard as your elbows...

Someone with blue eyes is hatching a surprise for you. Trust nobody and record all of your telephone conversations until Michaelmas.

This month your destiny is in the form of the temporarily placated goat.

AQUARIUS Jan 20 - Feb 17

Jumping up, down, and sideways with jugs filled with liquid, especially sticky sugary liquids, are hilariously badly starred this month - ensure someone is videoing you at all times. There is an evens chance you could become a YouTube sensation with a jump on or around the 5th of September.

From a video production standpoint, your stars could not be better. The planetary alignment that Aquarius basks in this month means that recording anything will go over 6% better than usual (Hitchcock never did better than 2%).

Cartoons in the newspapers may have a message around the 5th involving a dog out for a walk, or a man in a big flappy cap, or a caveman with long out of control hair, or a cat with an attitude problem. Carefully read these messages from the stars for a solution to a traffic or bathroom based melee.

PISCES Feb 18 - Mar 19

After last month's interest in all things French, now may be the time to try some more homely cooking. Man cannot live by garlic recipes alone, even though Saturn thinks they are absolutely delicious and the smell is mouthwatering from about 25 billion miles away.

Sleeping in the open is well starred as long as a hole hasn't appeared in your roof all of a sudden. If it has then it is very very badly starred, especially if you can see Mars - planks of wood may be your only solution.

Outrageously bouffant hair with flowers in is set to make this the most Melania Trump month of the presidency so far. Avoid hairdressers drinking liquor doubles with triples washed down with a pitcher of beer and you should be fine until sunset on the 8th.