World's Funniest Jokes from theVoiceofReason.co.uk

Best of the worst Christmas cracker jokes: 3 new ones just added

Thu, 22 Dec 2011 12:08:04 GMT

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws

What's green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?
Mistle-toad!

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

Thanksgiving Day Jokes (PG)

Mon, 21 Nov 2011 18:34:55 GMT

One Man's Thanksgiving Horror Story...

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work.

Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

One Thanksgiving morning, Martha's preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself....

Give This Guy The Job! (15)

Wed, 12 Oct 2011 15:58:26 GMT

Best Job Application Ever Received?

Orange Head (PG)

Mon, 03 Oct 2011 16:07:51 GMT

A guy with a huge orange head goes in to see a doctor. The
doctor says, "How did you get such a huge orange head?"

The guy says,

"Well, one day I was walking down the beach when I tripped over an old lantern. A genie came out and said, I'll grant you three wishes, whatever you desire...what is your first wish?'

Dumbest Kid (PG)

Mon, 03 Oct 2011 15:55:56 GMT

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

Blonde ATM (PG)

Wed, 28 Sep 2011 16:05:05 GMT

A blonde was taking money out of an ATM.

The blonde behind her in the line said, "Haa! Haa! Haaaaaa! I've seen your password....

Best Woody Allen One Liners (PG)

Wed, 07 Sep 2011 09:02:59 GMT

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs."

I was thrown out of NYU. On my metaphysics final, they caught me cheating. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

etc

Best Jokes From The Edinburgh Fringe 2004 (PG)

Thu, 25 Aug 2011 18:06:10 GMT

Susan Murray: "My parents are from Glasgow which means they’re incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child … well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night."

Adam Bloom :"Is it fair to say that there’d be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?"

Jimmy Carr: "A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, “Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?” I said, “All right, but we’re not going to get much done.” "

Top Ten Jokes - Edinburgh Fringe 2008 (PG)

Thu, 25 Aug 2011 17:43:03 GMT

1. Zoe Lyons: "I can't believe Amy Winehouse self-harms. She's so irritating she must be able to find someone to do it for her."

2. Andrew Laurence: "Most of us have a skeleton in the cupboard. David Beckham takes his out in public."

3. Lloyd Langford: "My girlfriend said 'did you know that hippopotamuses kill more people every year than guns?'. 'Yes,' I said, 'but a gun is easier to conceal'."

Top Ten Jokes - Edinburgh Fringe 2009 (PG)

Thu, 25 Aug 2011 17:34:31 GMT

1 Dan Antolpolski – "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"

2 Paddy Lennox – "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting.'

3 Sarah Millican – "I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're up where they belong."

Top Ten Jokes - Edinburgh Fringe 2010 (PG)

Thu, 25 Aug 2011 17:26:41 GMT

1) Tim Vine "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

2) David Gibson "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

3) Emo Philips "I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them."

Top Ten Jokes - Edinburgh Fringe 2011 (PG)

Thu, 25 Aug 2011 17:15:14 GMT

1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."

Top Ten Most Viewed Jokes On This Site In July 2011

Mon, 01 Aug 2011 15:07:04 GMT

1. Two Old Men

2. Naughty Nursery Rymes (pt 2)

3. X Rated Humpty Dumpty

4. Naughty Nursery Rhymes (pt 1)

5. Bank Robbery

6. Politically Incorrect One Liners (pt 1)

7. New workplace Vocabulary

8. Aussie Tank Jokes

9. Hippie and the Nun

10. Politically Incorrect One Lines (pt2)

Husband Forgets Anniversary (PG)

Tue, 26 Jul 2011 08:12:43 GMT

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him

"Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

Husband and wife and a convict... (15)

Tue, 26 Jul 2011 08:05:21 GMT

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

Semen Sample (15)

Tue, 26 Jul 2011 07:55:54 GMT

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day....

Two Old Men (12)

Fri, 22 Apr 2011 07:13:31 GMT

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

Aussie Tank's Joke Page (15)

Tue, 19 Apr 2011 08:14:50 GMT

So, this guy keeps sending me these jokes in the email...

A friend of mine is knocking a pair of twins. I asked him how can you tell the difference? "That's easy Carol's got big tits and Dereck's got the big cock!"

This bloke was having sex with an enormous women. He asks "Can I turn the light off?" She says "You a bit shy, love?" He says "No, my arse is burning."

A woman in a coma is being washed by a nurse. The nurse notices some reaction when she touches her vagina! She tells her husband "Maybe if you give her some oral stimulation she might come around!" He goes in the room, comes out 20 minutes later! The nurse asks "How did it go?" He says "She choked!"

And there's more... great stuff

A Bank Robbery (15)

Fri, 19 Nov 2010 10:12:10 GMT

Two thieves break into a bank in the middle of the night and open a safe. There is only some yoghurt, but no money. They taste the yoghurt. It's tainted.

The men open the next safe. There is some yoghurt too, it tastes much better but again - no money....

The Hippie And the Nun (15)

Sun, 14 Nov 2010 11:51:45 GMT

One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus. The bus driver leans over and says "Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you..."

The Etiquette Lesson... (15)

Sun, 14 Nov 2010 11:51:18 GMT

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?" ...

Little Johnny gets an F in arithmatic... [15]

Sun, 14 Nov 2010 11:50:44 GMT

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said 6." ...

The best English (language) Graffiti photos in the world...

Mon, 11 Jan 2010 10:14:09 GMT

Ten of the funniest graffiti pictures from various websites...

The best of the worst English translations and other funny sign pictures from around the world...

Mon, 11 Jan 2010 09:46:54 GMT

25 funny pictures found on the internet. Sources attributed if on picture.

The best of the worst Christmas cracker jokes

Wed, 30 Dec 2009 11:05:54 GMT

Oh Lawdy... Groany jokes for Christmas...

How do hedgehogs make love?
Very carefully.

What did the Policeman say to the stomach?
You're under a vest

Why is it so difficult to train dogs to dance?
They have two left feet.

What wobbles and flies?
A Jelly-copter.

Hilarious Screen Captchas, submitted to whatpoll.com 2009

Mon, 28 Dec 2009 16:44:08 GMT

So, you have to prove you are human to the computer... These are actual screen shots from hilarious computer captchas...

Funny Sign: Masturbation in the showers is a University of Michigan Honor Code Violation....

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 15:26:24 GMT

Newspaper Headline Of 2009

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 16:11:50 GMT

Pastor Kiweweesi In Bum Sex Scandal - Boy Drags Flashy Man Of God To Police For Terrorising His Buttocks With Monster Whopper

Top 20 Pick Up Lines (Unlikeliest To Work), Men For Women (15)

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 08:07:53 GMT

15. Hi, I make more money than you can spend.

16. Hi! Can I buy you a car?

17. I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?

18. Do you have a mirror in your pocket? (Why?) 'Cause I could see myself in your pants.

19. Really like your peaches, wanna shake your tree.

20. I am a magical being, take off your bra.

Firing Squad Blond (PG)

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 15:32:07 GMT

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a blonde.

The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!''...

continued...

Yo! Mama... (15)

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 15:17:23 GMT

Yo! Mama... so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye...

and many many more...

Beer Prayer (PG)

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 16:50:12 GMT

Our Beer,
Which art in Barrels.
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk, ...

Two Pensioners (15)

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 16:49:39 GMT

An old lady and an old man are sitting in their retirement home.

The man turns to the woman and says,"I bet you can't tell how old I am."...

Dad, What Is Politics? (15)

Tue, 19 May 2009 08:29:34 GMT

A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?"

His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

Two Pensioners... (15)

Tue, 19 May 2009 08:29:07 GMT

Two eighty year-old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 60 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you the thrill of your life."

Face-Lift Humour (15)

Tue, 19 May 2009 08:28:40 GMT

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends £5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a news-stand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the news-stand guy, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
...

Accident At the Pearly Gates (PG)

Tue, 19 May 2009 08:28:12 GMT

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven...

It had been a pretty busy day, though, so St Peter had to tell the first one: "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
...

The Wash Cloth... (15)

Tue, 19 May 2009 08:27:40 GMT

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day, the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.

She responded, "It's my wash cloth."
...

The Operation (18)

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 09:14:27 GMT

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
...

If at first you don't succeed... (15)

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 09:13:57 GMT

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a Gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
...

Fifty Years (PG)

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 09:13:26 GMT

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
...

Three Priests (PG)

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 09:12:54 GMT

Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater. She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

...

'Bump' (PG) - Tribute - Sir Clement Freud

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 09:12:22 GMT

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does his elbow goes into her breast.

...

Bob and the strip club (15)

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 14:36:01 GMT

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,
"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her; she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez, Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time!"

The $200 Quickie (15)

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 14:35:31 GMT

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you..."

The girl looked at him, then said, "NO."

Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"

The Patient (15)

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 14:35:01 GMT

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath...

'Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......

' A r e-m y-t e s t-r e s u l t s-b a c k ? '

Blonde Watches The News... (PG)

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 14:34:31 GMT

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 6 Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible!'

Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and,there is that risk involved.'

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a Brazilian?'

The Ostrich (PG)

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 14:34:00 GMT

A man walks into a restaurant with a fully-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40, please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again.

'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That' s right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

Bailout (PG)

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 14:33:26 GMT

A man was walking down the streets of Washington DC one night. All of a sudden a mugger sticks a gun in his ribs and says. "Give me all your money!"

He replied, "Do you realize I am an important member of congress?"

The robber said, "In that case give me all my money!"

The Game Warden (13)

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 14:32:40 GMT

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm...

Six Of The Best Jokes From Jokes-best.com (18)

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 14:17:21 GMT

A boy watches his mum and dad having sex. He ask, "What are you doing?" ...

Big Bic... (15)

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 14:16:47 GMT

Olaf and Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.

How To Get Your Money Back (18)

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 14:16:21 GMT

A woman goes into Tesco and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work.

A Little Old Man Walks Into A... (15)

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 14:15:44 GMT

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

Two Blondes... (PG)

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 14:15:17 GMT

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer that was also a blonde.

Blind Sales Assistant (PG)

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 14:14:46 GMT

A very refined lady goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. As she doesn't know which one to get, she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

English as the official language of Europe… (PG)

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 14:14:20 GMT

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

Rectum Stretcher… (15)

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 14:13:56 GMT

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (30 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

Two Italians Talking... (15)

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 14:13:29 GMT

A bus stops and two Italian men get on.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

Old Lady Exposes Herself... (15)

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 14:12:54 GMT

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.