Aussie Tank's Jokes (15)
A friend of mine is knocking a pair of twins. I asked him how can you tell the difference? "That's easy Carol's got big tits and Dereck's got the big cock!"
This bloke was having sex with an enormous women. He asks "Can I turn the light off?" She says "You a bit shy, love?" He says "No, my arse is burning."
A woman in a coma is being washed by a nurse. The nurse notices some reaction when she touches her vagina! She tells her husband "Maybe if you give her some oral stimulation she might come around!" He goes in the room, comes out 20 minutes later! The nurse asks "How did it go?" He says "She choked!"
What's the best thing about dating a homeless girl ? You can drop her off anywhere!
A blond takes her car to a mechanic! The mechanic says 'Nothing to worry about, just shit in the air filter!' She says 'Brilliant, how many times do I have to do that?'
Why did God invent orgasms for women? So they can still have a moan while they're enjoying themselves!
Cops came and knocked on my door and said my dog's been chasing people on a bike! I said "Fuck off he doesn't have a bike!"
A woman has a vaginal tuck, wakes up to see 3 bunches of flowers in her room. One from the doctor with the message "Every thing went well". The second bunch was from her husband "Get well soon" and the third one from Tommy from the burns unit "Thanks for the ears!"
God visits a man and tells him if he wants to come to heaven he has to give up smoking, drinking & fucking! A week later God visits him to see how he's going! He says "I stopped drinking and smoking, but the missus bent over the freezer the other day and I couldn't help myself! So I fucked her up the arse." God says "Heaven doesn't like that!" The bloke says "Neither does Walmart supermarket!"
A women asks her husband for ten thousand dollars for a breast enlargement! He says "Why don't you try rubbing toilet paper in between your breasts!" She says "You think that will work?" He says "I don't know, but it worked on your arse!"
Easter joke: Two eggs in boiling water. One says do you want to see my crack? The other egg says stop teasing I'm not hard yet!
A school teacher says to class "I want you to pick an animal that ends in tor and tell us what they eat." Girl says "Alligator, and it eats meat." A little boy says "Dinosaur, and they eat grass." Little Johnny say "Vibrator!" The shocked teacher says "And what does it eat?" Johnny says "My sister says her vibrator chews batteries like fuck!"
6 reasons why men prefer guns to women:
1 You can trade an old 45 for a 22.
2 You can admire a friends gun and he'll let you use it.
3 Your gun stays with you even if you run out of ammo.
4 A gun functions normally everyday.
5 A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
and best of all 6 You can buy a silencer for your gun!
(All jokes emailed in by Aussie Tank, sub edited by thevoiceofreason.co.uk)