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The best of the worst Christmas cracker jokes

 

In no particular order... they're pretty much all awful... from various sources on the internet...

 

How do hedgehogs make love?
Very carefully.

What did the Policeman say to the stomach?
You're under a vest

Why is it so difficult to train dogs to dance?
They have two left feet.

What wobbles and flies?
A Jelly-copter.

What goes ha ha ha clonk?
A man laughing his head off.

What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon?
A sour puss!

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

What athlete is warmest in winter?
A long jumper.

Why did the man get the sack from the orange juice factory?
Because he couldn't concentrate.

What has four legs but can't walk?
A table!

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
To see his flatmate!

What goes up and never comes down?
Your age.

What do you give a man who has everything?
Antibiotics.

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Dam.

What's brown, steams and comes out of Cowes?
The Isle of Wight ferry.

What do you call a man that plays with leaves?
Russle!

What is the definition of an American Bra?
One yank and it's off.

What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?

Money.

What is Santa's favourite pizza?
One that's deep pan, crisp and even.

Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party?
He's a fun guy to be with. (fungi)

Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed?
He had low elf-esteem.

Who was England's first chiropodist?
William the Corncurer.

Why should husbands make the early morning tea for their wives?
Because the Bible says He Brews.

What's the longest word in the English language?
Smiles, because there is a "mile" between the first and
the last letters.

On which side do chickens have the most feathers?
The outside.

What kind of paper likes music?
(W)rapping paper.

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?
Annette.

Did you hear about the man who bought a paper shop?
It blew away.

How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle.

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy.

What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?
Lost.

Did you hear about the two ships that collided at sea?
One was carrying red paint and the other was carrying
blue paint. All the sailors ended up being marooned.

Why are chocolate buttons rude?
Because they are Smarties in the nude.

How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a boogie in it.

What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
Nothing. It just let out a little wine.

What's ET short for?
Because he's only got little legs.

What's red and white and black all over?
Santa Claus after he slid down the chimney.

Where do Snow-women like to dance?
At Snowballs.

What did Cinderella say when the chemist lost her
photographs?
Someday my prints will come. (prince)

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a
chimney?
Claustrophobia!

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson!

What do you call a cat in the desert?
Sandy Claws!

What does Santa do with fat elves?
He sends them to an Elf Farm!

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!

Did Rudolph go to school?
No. He was Elf-taught!

What's the most popular Christmas wine?
'I don't like Brussels sprouts!'

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsilitis!

What do crackers, fruitcake and nuts remind me of?
You!

Santa went to the Doctors with a problem.
Doctor: What seems to be the problem?
Santa: I seem to have a mince pie stuck up my bottom!
Doctor: Well you're in luck because I've got just the
brandy cream for that!

What time is it when you see a Chinese dentist?

Tooth-hurty. (Two thirty)

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