The best of Zoo Weekly Jokes

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barbers chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his hair cut. The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin." "I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."

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Q. How is pubic hair like parsley? A. You push it to the side before you start eating.

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A blonde is driving through Florida on her way to Disneyland. As she gets closer she sees a sign that says, 'Disneyland left'. So she turns around and goes home.

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A farmer is hunting in a forest when a stunning young blonde walks up to him totally naked. He gets really excited and says to her, "Are you game?" The blonde replies, "Yes I am." So he shoots her.

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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that, after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.

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Husband: "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here lies my wife, Cold as Ever'." Wife: "Yeah? Yours will read, 'Here lies my husband. Stiff at last!' "

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A man was driving along in his car one Sunday afternoon when he was pulled over by a police car. "Have you been drinking sir?" said the police officer. "No", said the man, "Why? Was I driving badly?" "No", said the Officer, "you were driving splendidly, it was the fat ugly bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."

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A brunette goes to the doctor and, as she touches each part of her body with her finger, she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!" The doctor asks, "Were you ever a Blonde?" "Yes, I was," she replies. "Why do you ask?" The doctor answers, "because your finger is broken!"

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Parts of Liverpool were closed off today after a suspicious device was found on a car. Police later found out it was a tax disc.

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

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Mahatma Gandhi, as you may know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him . . . a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away." "I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

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Three mothers; a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were all talking about their daughters. The brunette said; "I was looking through my daughter's things and I found cigarettes, I can't believe my daughter smokes." The redhead says; "Ladies, I was looking through my daughters things and I found a bottle of liquor, I can't believe my daughter drinks." The blonde says; "I was looking through my daughters things, and I found a box of condoms. I can't believe my daughter has a penis."

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How many ears did Davy Crockett have? Three - his left ear, his right ear, and his wild front ear.

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An executive was stressed out. He had to fire one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, either Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, since they were both equally qualified and both excellent workers. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take a couple of aspirins and the executive approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." Debra replied, "Could you please jack off? I have a terrible headache."

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A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?" "Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose." "Wow, what does it look like after sex?" "Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

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