Best Jokes From The Edinburgh Fringe 2004 (PG)

Susan Murray: "My parents are from Glasgow which means they’re incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child … well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night."

Adam Bloom :"Is it fair to say that there’d be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?"

Jimmy Carr: "A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, “Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?” I said, “All right, but we’re not going to get much done.” "

Marcus Brigstocke : "I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat."

Addy Van-Der-Borgh "You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She’ll go: “What’s my favourite flower?” And you murmur to yourself: “Shit, I wasn’t listening … Self-raising?” "

Jeremy Limb: "The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face."

Jimmy Carr: "Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation."

Patrick Monahan: "My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs."

Colin & Fergus: "The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died… Dido must be shitting herself."

Scott Capurro: "Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it’s wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they’re enjoying it as well."

Chris Addison: "It’s easy to distract fat people. It’s a piece of cake."

Arnold Brown: "I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation – but I’m not very good at it."

Milton Jones "If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that."

Arnold Brown: "I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: “This door is alarmed.” I said to myself: “How do you think I feel?” "

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