Victoria Wood's Greatest One Liners

I thought Coq au Vin was love in a lorry.

I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room. I don’t know who got my moped but I’ve been driving that Peugeot for years.

I’ve got a degree; does that mean I have to spend my life with intellectuals? I’ve also got a life-saving certificate, but I don’t spend my evenings diving for a rubber brick with my pyjamas on.

My boyfriend had a sex manual but he was dyslexic. I was lying there and he was looking for my vinegar.

When I told jokes about cystitis, people would write in and say, “I’ve got cystitis and it isn’t funny,” so I would reply, “Well, send it back and ask for one that is.”

A man is designed to walk three miles in the rain to phone for help when the car breaks down, and a woman is designed to say, “You took your time” when he comes back dripping wet.

People think I hate sex. I don’t. I just don’t like things that stop you seeing the television properly.
A minor operation is one performed on somebody else.

The first day I met my producer, she said, “I’m a radical feminist lesbian.” I thought what would the Queen Mum do? So I just smiled and said, “We shall have fog by tea-time.”

Foreplay is like beefburgers – three minutes on each side.

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