Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I caught the rather excellent David Beckham on Jonathan Woss's show last night. Why can't they recycle Fred Goodwin's knighthood and give it straight to Beckham? Are this government interested in recycling or not?

Yours, Sherry Golightly

Dear Sir,

After this week's latest exciting resignation from the government I am wondering if they are filming a structured reality television show in the cabinet? If they are filming a show like TOWIE, may I suggest they call it PHOEY, the P is for Parliament of course, I haven't worked out what the other letters stand for.

Yours, Hugh Didthat

Dear Sir,

Thank you so much for your excellent article on the much forgotten BBC 1 entertainer from the 1970s, Dick Emery. There just aren't enough funny Dicks on the telly these days. Oooo, you are awful but I like you!

Yours, Jerry 'LOL' Muckheaps [link]

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Thank heavens Celebrity Big Brother has finally ended. Now I can go back to eating chocolate and farting outrageously as I wait for my bedtime.

Yours, Jane Cruntlefingers

Dear Sir,

Has anyone else noticed how close the surname of banker Hester is to former German Chancellor, Hitler? Four of the letters are the same!!! How did he ever get that job? Was Gordon Brown's real surname Braun, as in Eva - Hitler's lover? The evidence appears overwhelming.

Yours, Mikey Micklewhite, President, Conspiracy Anonymous

Dear Sir,

I have been reading the coverage of this Costa Concordia crash and it seems to me they are trying to blame the crash on a blonde in the cockpit. Shome mishtake shurely, or bloody typical? I can't quite decide. What do your readers think?

Yours, Pamela Arsenic (blonde)

Dear Sir,

I'm thinking of setting up a Guantanamo Bay in my back yard, does anyone know who in the CIA I can talk to get some tips? I asked that Jeremy Kyle chappie for some tips but he was useless.

Yours Jerry Goldman [link]

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Sherlock Holmes threw a dummy of himself off the building and then ran down to lay in the exact position the dummy fell, deflating the dummy and putting it in his pocket. He took some drugs to stop his heart, making the hospital think he was dead. But he regained consciousness before his funeral, replacing his own body in the coffin with the dummy he had thrown off the building. Elementary.

Yours, Benedict Cucumberpatch

Dear Sir,

What was left of the hallucinogenic drugs used to make people think they saw a big dog in the previous week's episode, was put into the water supply making the whole country think they saw Sherlock Holmes jump off a tall building to his death but in fact he didn't.

Yours, Lord Haringey Butchersworth

Dear Sir,

It was Moriarty who jumped from the building, dressed as Sherlock Holmes. Moriarty was played by an actor who put a fake gun in his mouth and pretended to shoot himself dead. When the camera cut away he changed into Sherlock Holmes clothes and jumped off the building to his real death. Sherlock Holmes then ran away completely naked, just like that woman in the first episode in the second series, and met up with Dr Watson who luckily brought a spare deerstalker hat to cover Sherlock's penis. Sherlock then gave Dr Watson drugs to make him forget everything, and staged his own funeral... As the French say Et Voila!

Yours, Gerald Pigsniffer

Dear Sir,

I would like to complain about the nakedness in the last letter. It is quite disgraceful to publish such things in a newspaper that can be read before the watershed. I expect such filth from the BBC, but News International should know better.

Yours Rupert Digger-Goldman [link]

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Two Eds are better than one - congratulations to the two Labour Eds, Miliband and Balls, for choosing to side, at last, with the Conservative Party. Am I the first to christen them Ed Miliballs? Please let me know.

Yours, Margy Thatcher-Streep, Cheam

Dear Sir,

Further to your excellent article on topless pop singers in history on the 3rd of the month. It included an excellent selection of a number of rapscallions this reader had never heard of priorly but would like to investigate more, furtherly, if only one knew how to turn my YouTube on. Anyone?

Yours, Sir Reginald Boloocks, Wittingstall

Dear Sir,

Is it just me or has anyone else noticed that English actor Simon Pegg is taking over Hollywood? Star Trek, Mission Impossible, Paul, and now playing the Number 10 cat in Thatcher alongside the inestimable Meryl Streep. He is simply purrfect.

Yours, Mildrew Smith, Battersea [link]

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I fear that David Cameron is spending much too much time with his friend Jeremy Clarkson following his latest outburst against the poor Tourettes sufferer Ed Balls. It's shameful he should be allowed to get away with comments like that.

Yours, Madam Mary Magdelen-Pygot-Smythe

Dear Sir,

May I complain in advance for the BBC allowing a person with Tourettes on live radio swearing like that. It's an absolute disgrace. Shame on you BBC.

Yours, Milly Maynard, Enfield

Dear Sir,

I would like to complain about Rickie Gervais's comments about Twinks on his Twitter feed last Thursday. Doesn't he realize the money he could lose by offending an entire twenty something demographic like that?

Yours, Harry Twonk, Battersea [link]

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Imagine my horror when I came down with the seasonal vomiting and diarrhea bug. That's when having paper newspapers comes into its own. There is just no way to get enough towels down on the ground in time is there? No, these iPads look wonderful but their absorbency is nil.

Yours, Dick Dark, Marlybone Station

Dear Sir,

Thank heavens the Duke of Edinburgh has recovered from his pre Christmas heart scare. It is just nice to know that Jeremy Clarkson is standing by to pick up his mantle when he passes on.

Yours, Sir Shki Smith, Indian High Embassy

Dear Sir,

New Year, new me. I intend to start a new diet this year, does anyone have any ideas how I can lose about 3 stones without changing what I eat and doing any new exercise? Perhaps someone has got some miracle slimming pants they would like to sell me?

Yours, Mary Makehill [link]

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I fink its digrazeful wot shit the Telegraf hav ben puttin us ixaminers thru. What of it? City fat cats paper. I reed the Graunad its a much betta paper.

Yours, Mary Martindale, Chief Examiner SexEd

Dear Sir,

Jeremy Clarkson has been quiet this week, after last week's monumental expostulations. Thank heavens the BBC stopped him appearing on QI, Strictly Come Dancing, Frozen Planet, Antiques Roadshow, Songs Of Praise and CBeebies. Well done the BBC, another disaster averted.

Yours, Sir Michael Frobisheere

Dear Sir,

It's that time of the year again: May I join all my fellow punk readers of The Thun with a cordial chorus of the Pogues / Kirstie MacColl classic Christmas tune where we all sing "You scum bag you maggot you cheap lousy faggot" to those bastards in the European Union.

Yours, Adolf Fitler [link]

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I am a great supporter of Jeremy Clarkson, the BBC's outspoken hunting correspondent. His programme Top Shot is one of my favourites.

Yours, Micke Merrymas

Dear Sir,

I was all set up on my BBC micro computer I bought in 1986 to do some Christmas shopping but to my chagrin I cannot find the Amazon programme thingummy they are all talking about. Has it closed down already? Such a shame if computer retailers are going the same way of the High Street.

Yours, Sir Jimmy Hailmary

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your excellent investigation into the denture scandal of 1956 in which unlicensed dentists pulled out unsuspecting peoples teeth and sold them off at a profit, and replaced them with ill fitting dentures. I will use my £250,000 settlement cheque to get my teeth corrected if only I can find a dentist who will do it for the money.

Yours, Mary Mister [link]