FREE HITLER MUSTACH FOR EVERY DOCTOR
GOB News - Parody of GB News

Director of GOB news programme accidentally takes knee after falling over

GOB news has to report an incident this morning in which a director of one of our news programmes accidentally took the knee for a brief moment or two, but not longer than a minute but was out of sight from the cameras.

In the ensuing investigation the incident appears to have happened when he tripped over a cable in the studio. The director, 37 stones, fell forwards onto his face and when getting back up again onto his feet he briefly got his knee up and was readying himself to go back onto two legs but took a breather because he was still in shock. At no time did he say black lives mattered.

We have decided in this case to suspend the director for two weeks. We sincerely apologize to all our viewers here at GOB News who were angry at the incident when news of it was reported on social media. We will make sure it does not happen again.

Correction: In an interview with a man dressed as Adolph Hitler we may have given the impression that he was a doctor administering vaccinations to screaming people who had been tied up. We are happy to set the record straight that literally nothing was right in that interview. [link]

GET A FREE 'BREXIT IS GOING GREAT' T-SHIRT FOR ONLY £12.99 P&P
Daily Excited - Daily Express

Anti-Vaxer's Mother's Dog Runs Away After She Is Vaccinated

Sherileen McVirlog, 34, a prominent anti vaxer who spoke at that London thing at the weekend, says she tried to get her mother to not have a vaccine but she wouldn't listen to her, and look what happened next.

Her mother, Maureen McVirlog, 68, returned home after being vaccinated and Butch, 5, her dog, took one sniff of her and ran out through the door and hasn't been seen since.

Maureen tells our reporter: "He's scarpered and I can't find him."

Sherileen says her children are now scared to sniff their grandmother and no longer want to go round. Maureen says she had agreed to look after Macey, 7, 's guinea pig at the weekend but those plans are now in disarray. "I feel like I have been put into isolation by my family just at my moment of peak immunity," said the grandmother.

Also In Today's Paper:

Mummy why is that man trying to vaccinate me?

David Icke: Vaccinated Or Not?

Sexy Tips: How To Wear A Mask To Turn Your Woman On

TIPS HOW TO SWEAR ON THE TELLY AND GET AWAY WITH IT: STOP SAYING COUNTRY AT CERTAIN POINT THEN SAY THE WHOLE WORD. WORKS EVERY TIME
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Has anybody else noticed that when one kneels for prayer in church it is virtually impossible to do it without taking the knee albeit temporarily before doing so? I have been diving both knees down into the cushion since the Euros just to make sure I don't make any inappropriate statements but to be honest my knees are sore and my back hurts when I have to flip back up again on to both my feet again. Any ideas? I am 104.

Yours, Maurice Johnson

Dear Sir,

I have had all five of the approved vaccines and I can tell you now I have had no side effects whatsoever apart from I have suddenly become very sexually attractive. Unfortunately that also includes to house flies, cats and dogs. Do you remember at school when someone shouted bundle and everyone jumped on? Well it feels something like that.

Yours, Harry Hearty

Dear Sir,

I subscribed to Netflix the other day to keep up with all this new technology malarkey. I don't want to be one of these old people who are left out of it. Does anybody know how I turn my computer on?

Yours, Babs Smith

DIM ANDREW NEIL LIVE FROM THE GARAGE ON GOB NEWS LAUNCH NIGHT
GOB News - Parody of GB News

Fat Milo Presents: What The Hell Is Going On?

What is going on? Nobody tells us do they? I say we have to fight here on the brilliant new anti-woke GOB News.

They are not going to take away our God given right to eat Kitkats in groups of 30 inside a house. But just you watch when they illegally extend lockdown for they'll say four weeks but it'll be forever, you mark my words.

And they don't tell you of the thousands of Brits like you and me who have died during lockdown.

And what is the point of them telling us all to wear a face mask when everyone knows 30% of all air that comes out of our bodies comes out of our bottoms. Why don't they tell us to wear bottom masks? Funny isn't it? But they don't tell us do they? Typical.

And what about this taking a knee thing? Why don't they take both knees? No other network is asking these questions are they? It's half hearted anti racism like that that makes my blood boil.

The anti-woking continues.

Correction: In yesterday's opening show television's legendary inquisitor Andrew Neil looked like he was presenting his show from a garage with the light bulb broken. We are happy to say we have now replaced the light bulb with a more powerful one so next time you see him you will be able to see him. Thank you for watching. [link]

GET OUR BRILLIANT FREE MACRON DART BOARD ONLY £39.99 FOR POSTAGE AND PACKING
Daily Excited - Daily Express

Boris Brilliant In G7 Breakfast Banger Bust-Up

The brilliant Boris defended his country against foreigners at the G7 today when they attacked him at breakfast this morning.

French President Emily Macron waved a croissant at the prime minister and said you only have yourself to blame for agreeing the Northern Ireland protocol.

Best ever Boris put a sausage in his mouth and while munching sang God Save The Queen in the French guy's face. How remarkable. We can't imagine Sir Lord King Keir Starmer doing the same. Good old man of the people Boris.

Lord Frost was given the job of supplying Boris with sausages during breakfast in what many woke idiots think was a dig at Europe for stopping us selling our sausages to Northern Ireland. But it wasn't. Boris just loves a banger. That's why we love him.

Luckily Boris had eaten all the sausages by the time England won the football

In other news: It's coming home.

Also In Today's Paper:

85 Year old Pensioner says he will take the knee if someone can help him get up afterwards

Queen Tells Megarry: Zip It!

10 Things To Do When GBNews Buffers Online

FILL YOUR FREEZER WITH BRITISH SAUSAGES FOR ONLY £350 OFFER FOR EVERY READER IN NORTHERN IRELAND
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

OK I obviously completely disagree with the taking the knee thing, but what is this standing against racism thing and how is that different from standing normally? Are they expecting me to object to them standing next? Because I will. I have my lips pursed to boo and everything.

Yours, Sir Humprhey Bumpkin

Dear Sir,

Am I getting this right. Boris Johnson negotiated and signed the Brexit treaty that included the Northern Ireland Protocol and now is saying the Northern Ireland Protocol is unworkable rubbish? Well what's the problem then? Do you know how many times someone in politics really cocks something up and you never get anyone admitting to anything. That''s why I like Boris

Yours, Jackie 'Puddin' Taylor

Dear Sir,

Did I dream it or did Charlie Dimmock play football in the Euros the other night? I sat down to watch the Denmark Finland game and fell to sleep after about 15 mnutes and had a dream Charlie Dimmock was out playing in her shorts? I woke up and there was only 20 minutes left to play.

Yours, Berry Goodwin, 89

'I WATCHED ALL OF THE DOMINIC CUMMINGS TESTIMONY' T-SHIRT OFFER
The Thun - The Times spoof

C*msh*t: Boris's Dom Lays It All Out On The Table

Dominic Cummings, 7 stone 4lbs, likened Boris Johnson's Covid confusion to having sex in a shopping trolley banging side-to-side in the aisle of a supermarket but without the sex today in a public hearing that had only three short wee breaks.

Gasping Cummings, 59 minutes since last break, said that he had tried to get Matt Hancock, 5ft 3, sacked over 400 times because he wasn't a tenth as good as the brilliant Michael Gove would have been.

Defending his actions, Hancock, minister jogging in shorts, speaking outside his home whilst the testimony was given, said he would defend his actions fully later but had to go for a run now, talk later he told reporters.

After the first question in parliament Hancock said he was sorry but he had to go for a run and he would answer questions fully later. He ripped his trousers off Superman style exposing athletically moist legs and ran out of the building with a winning boyish wave.

Correction: In yesterday's story 'Shakespeare Book: Boris Johnson's editor shows frustration again by throwing computer out of the window once more' we have been asked to clarify that the excerpt we printed when Shakespeare says what do you think of the show so far and a skull sitting in his hand then says 'rubbish' is actually from the Morcambe and Wise Show and not from Shakespeare at all. That part has since been removed from the first draft submitted by the prime minister. We are happy to set the record straight [link]

FREE RELAUNCH BOTTLE OF LEMONADE FOR EVERY LE MONADE READER
Daily Excrement - Daily Express

Rapport spécial du Royaume-Uni: Deepc*ck Speaks

LONDRES: You join me, here, in a deserted underground garage near Westminster in the early hours of the morning. It is dark but for the electric lights in the corners, casting an eerie shadow. I have, standing in front of me, a person with knowledge of the government's position, who we have named Deepc*ck and we will never reveal who it actually is unless we accidentally reveal it 30 years later.

Deepc*ck is one of Dominic Cummings' critics and has agreed to set the record straight about his time working as the prime minister's first in command.

Deepc*ck tells me of an incident with the vending machine. "Dominic devised a plan to confuse the vending machine by spinning ten pences to make the machine think they were 50p pieces. It's all in the finger strength, Dom told me. If you spun them fast the machine got confused and you were able to get countless big KitKats for 10p. The fraud was only concealed because Jacob Rees-Mogg found it funny that if he spun 50p pieces in the machine they came up as 10p.

These explosive revelations from Deepc*ck, 5ft 3, out jogging to avoid cameras and to assure his anonymity, were quickly ended when a car screeched in the background. This reporter looked back and he was gone. No sign even of his little legs running away let alone a lovely little wave.

Also In Today's Paper:

Picture Special: Is it a potato or is it Dominic Cummings? Take our brilliant quiz!

Boris Johnson's hairdresser signs £35 Million deal with ScaryHair.com

Boris's Hair Or Hairy Mollusc? Take our brilliant picture quiz

PRINCE HARRY CHOOSES YOUR BEST MOANS
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor (Moanerated by Sir Appleby-Garth-Smedley-Smythe)

Dear Sir,

Isn't Dominic Cummings a chatty man? I assumed he would be stroppy and curt. But not in the slightest. He was fluent and believable, with the poise of a much better looking man. Just how I hope I come across when I'm having a bitch about someone.

Yours, Henry Vimto

Dear Sir,

At last Carrie has made an honest man out of Boris. I always knew Dominic Cummings was being beastly to him. A man who honestly never combs his hair is fine by me.

Yours, Harry Jones

Dear Sir,

I was invited to Boris and Carrie's Wedding. What a lovely ceremony. We all said prayers for Dominic Cummings and then sang hymns mentioning decapitation. Happy Days!

Yours, Victor Mildew

HOROSCOPES FOR SEPTEMBER 2017
ARIES Mar 20 - Apr 19

Anvils, molten steel, but not oversized hammers, are moderately starred this month, as are oversized hats and trombones.

Women who inadvertently purr and men who grunt are badly starred particularly in the shower.

Beware the tolling of the bell for which you previously asked whom it tolled. Nothing good will come of it.

Ernest Hemingway tops the charts of dead writers that are enticingly priced reads you should avoid this month, at least until Saturn transects a trajectory of literary significance.

Your faith in corporate governance is about to be tested by an aggressive banker who doesn't know his APR from his elbow. [More horoscopes ==>>]

OUR EXCLUSIVE KEEP BREXITING AND CARRY ON T-SHIRTS SELL OUT
The Thun - The Times spoof

Big Ben's Secret Bongs Discovered

Big Ben bonged yesterday afternoon only days after apparently bonging for the last time before refurbishments inside the tower.

With health and safety concerns thought to be more important than workmen losing their eardrums, Big Ben, now known as Elizabeth, stopped bonging according to official channels for the next 4 years apart from on special occasions.

But yesterday afternoon Big Ben bonged at 3pm, shocking those nearby who heard the bongs and knew that the day was nothing special.

One witness told this newspaper: "I heard the bongs. First I thought it was some kind of recording but then I realised what it was. The bongs were coming from Big Ben!"

We have contacted the Mayor of London for a comment, but at the time of writing have not received a reply.

A scientist told this newspaper: "Technically speaking a bong is the hammer hitting the bell in the Big Ben tower and not the bong sound, but if the bell is not free to bong then nobody at ground level would hear anything. However if an actual bong has been heard then I have no idea what is going on. That would be the seventh craziest thing I have heard all year."

The bonging continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's advertorial: Tourist Burger 'Big Ben Hambongers' Half Price Offer it seems there was an error: The usual price is £22.99 for the Hambonger and not £18.99 as we claimed. We are reluctant to set our advertisers straight. [link]

CONOR MCGREGOR BEATS FLOYD MAYWEATHER T-SHIRTS NOW HALF PRICE
Daily Excrement - Daily Express

Eclipse Proves God Exists, Claims Man In Robes

"The moon is just exactly the right size to fit in front of the Sun which is millions of miles behind it? Give over if you think that is a random occurrence," said a man wearing robes, standing by a river and with angelic music playing behind him, this morning.

Speaking after watching the eclipses this week, many Americans, some as old as 83, declared it was proof that God existed.

They said: "It's the one sign God has given us and science completely ignores it. What are the chances that the moon is just exactly the right size to almost cover the Sun when seen from Earth? Billions to one against. It must be God's work."

A scientist we asked for a comment mumbled incoherently for five minutes before hanging up the phone. He may have been drunk.

The end of the world approaches.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

10 Things Not To Do During A Total Eclipse

10 Things You Must Do During a Total Eclipse

Numbers Of People Buying Bomb Shelters Explode [link]

KIM JONG-UN DIDN'T PAY FOR CONOR VS MAYWEATHER FIGHT
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Which political party is offering a Smoothie Brexit? That gets my vote. They are delicious, especially the ones with summer fruits in.

Yours, Benny Jones

Dear Sir,

Your article comparing and contrasting Disney's Up to Donald Trump as the old guy and Kim Jong Un as his young male friend made me weep with laughter. Bravo!

Yours, Jerry McEditor

(Video sponsored by linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

If Kim Jong Un becomes a surprise guest on the next series of Celebrity Big Brother is that a good sign or a bad sign as far a nucleararmageddon goes?

Yours, Montgomery Churchill III [link]

OUR EXCLUSIVE KEEP BREXITING AND CARRY ON T-SHIRTS SELL OUT
The Thun - The Times spoof

North Korea Enjoys National Day Of Total Silence

You could literally hear a pin drop in hermit state North Korea today as a National Day of Total Silence was declared.

"A National Day Of Total Silence has never been attempted in a dirty noisy Western country," according to a proud looking North Korean newsreader, his speech silenced with subtitles at the bottom of the screen..

In a day of total silence cars are not allowed on the roads. Bicycles have their bells taken off by the police, and even the snipping sounds of scissors in barber shops are quietened at the risk of being shot.

A National Day Of Total Silence is held annually in North Korea.

If Kim Jong Un was to declare nuclear war today it will be completely unexpected, according to a North Korean expert.

The build up to war continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: Ryan Air 'Outside Of Plane Toilets' Is Fake News, Says CEO it seems there was an error: The Donald Trump oversized tennis outfit racket and balls set advertised in the section to the right of the article retails at £56.99, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

SPECIAL ADVERTISING GIVEAWAY: IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY WITH SPREADABLE PHILLIDELPHIA DANNY DEVITO PASTRY MOLD FOR EVERY READER
Daily Excrement - Daily Express

Donald Trump Is Not Telling Anyone What He Is Doing Next

Donald Trump kept to one of his campaign pledges to not tell foreign countries what he is going to do next, to keep everyone on their toes.

This includes Kim Jong Un, but also includes other world leaders, apart from Theresa May.

"If I tell foreign leaders what I'm going to do next they work out ways of making what I want to do go all wrong," said the President, 71.

"So, for instance, if I am playing golf then they will think that I'm not going to declare a nuclear war. If I am going to declare nuclear war then the last place anybody will expect me to do it is on a golf course. So that is the most likely place I would do it. Or I might not do it there at all because they are expecting it. I'm not telling you until I do it. and I'm not telling you I'm not doing it either, so get that fake news look off your face," said President Trump.

The end of North Korea approaches.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

Disney's Up is not Kim Jong Un and Donald Trump, confirms executive

Sales of Bomb Shelters Go Through Roof

Numbers Of People Buying Bomb Shelters Explode [link]

IS IT TIME TO RENAME NORTH KOREA ON THE MAPS, ASKS WORLD MAP MAKER FOR 2019 EDITION
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

They criticise Mr Trump for playing too much golf during these times of imminent nuclear war, but I think he is doing the right thing. They say that war is like a game of golf, or so my teachers used to tell me. Oh, hang on a minute, isn't it cricket that is like war? Yes... it's cricket isn't it? Doh! Totally ruins the thrust of my argument. Huh!

Yours, Benny Jones

Dear Sir,

Your article comparing and contrasting Disney's Up to Donald Trump as the old guy and Kim Jong Un as his young male friend made me weep with laughter. Bravo!

Yours, Jerry McEditor

(Video sponsored by linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

If Kim Jong Un becomes a surprise guest on Celebrity Big Brother is that a good sign or a bad sign?

Yours, Montgomery Churchill III [link]

BREXIT NEGOTATIONS PART 26: CHANCES OF A SMOOCHY BREXIT RISE BY 2.5%
The Thun - The Times spoof

UK Government To Offer 40BN In Brexit Divorce Offer

In an attempt to get trade talks going the British government has offered 40 billion to the European Union, but won't say what currency it is.

Talking to this newspaper Theresa May said: "40 billion is a real and sensible offer in a genuine attempt to get trade talks going."

But when asked what currency the 40 billion was May, 61, became unclear.

She said: "40 billion is a lot of money. I mean al-oooooooooo-t of money. And we will give it to them. To get trade talks a going."

But, for example, 40 billion of Bangladesh Taka would be under £400million, according to a website on the internet. 40 billion of Monopoly money would cost about £2.50.

A spokesman for the European Union looked exasperated: "We have got the offer but we need clarification on a number of issues," he said.

The Are We Out Yet Dad continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: Is Donald Trump playing too much golf? it seems there was an error: Donald Trump shouted 'Fore' before the ball hit the fellow golfer and not afterwards as we claimed. We are happy to set the record straight. [link]

UK WEATHER WOULD HAVE BEEN MUCH WORSE HAD WE STAYED IN EUROPE, CLAIMS FARAGE
Daily Excrement - Daily Express

White House Making 'Carry On Donald' Movie

Donald Trump is making a Carry On movie in the White House, and this could explain a number of recent events in his new administration, according to a person we met last night.

"Oooh no missus", "Matron! please" and "I'm just keeping a breast of the situation" are just three of the comments heard coming from closed doors in the West Wing in the first six months of the Trump presidency.

Carry On movies were popular British comedies in the 1950s and 60s starring stars such as Barbara Windsor, Sid James and Kenneth Williams.

Kellyanne Conway, a spokesman for the president, is Kenneth Williams. Donald Trump is Sid James. The Mooch is Kenneth Connor. New Chief Of Staff General John Kelly is Hattie Jacques.  

The Ooh no missus continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

Who Said What? Donald Trump or Kenneth Williams? Take our brilliant Carry On quiz.

Donald Trump Is As Good At Golf As He Says He Is Shocker

Trump Or Cabbage? Take our brilliant picture quiz pages 34-45 [link]

HOW MUCH WOULD YOU PAY TO LEAVE EUROPE? OUR READERS DECIDE
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I read an Enid Blyton book, Five On A Treasure Island, yesterday, for the first time since I was a child. What wholesome fun. There was non binary sexual behaviour, child kidnapping, and use of the word 'queer' throughout. It's good to see things haven't changed much in the last 75 years after all. Bravo!

Yours, Sherry Hearty

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your profile of Donald Trump. I completely agree. If he can hire a man (Steve Bannon) who can perform that act on himself then he can't be all bad.

Yours, Harry Smith

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

I had lunch with Donald Trump once and he ate like a horse. I wondered how much more he could get in his mouth and then he put more in. Even with his mouth full of food he continued to talk as if nothing was in his mouth. A great great man and I am proud to still have the shirt with the food stains on for the future enquiry.

Yours, Harty Mildew II [link]