HOW TO GET YOUR GIRLFRIEND TO MAKE YOUR TEA IN THE STYLE OF A PENALTY KICK - EXCLUSIVE LAD COURSE
The Boobs (Spoof name of The Sun)

RESULT CONFUSION IN GREECE REFERENDUM AS IT'S REVEALED THAT 'NAI' ACTUALLY MEANS 'YES'

If they want to vote YES in the Greek referendum, Greeks, some as old as 107, have been told they must vote 'NAI', which sounds just like 'NAH', according to English speakers.

If Greeks want to vote 'NO' they have to vote 'OXI', which is only one letter short of OXO the popular gravy thingamajigy thing.

One bemused tourist waiting to be served at the bar as all the staff went off to vote all together told our reporter: "It seems like it's a choice between no and gravy. No, it's a choice between yes and gravy, hmm, it's that easy to be caught out, huh? No wonder they say 'it's all Greek to me'."

The Greekmaggeddon continues.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'UK's most productive lad slows down during summer hot spell' it seems that there were a number of errors: Plumbing is when they do stuff about water pipes and stuff, we are happy to set the record straight. The electrics is when they do stuff about electricity like lights and stuff. Zoos have animals and plants but people only go to see the animals and not the plants which we claimed in our cryptic crossword, we are happy to try to stop the arguments in the white vans that ensued.

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRANDCHILDREN, PART 100: IS THERE AN ELVIS PRESLEY APP? AND CAN I GET ONE THAT GOES ROUND AT 33 1/3 RPM?
Daily Moan

Hottest Summer In History And Still People Moaning

As parts of England enjoyed their hottest summer since prehistoric times, some people were moaning that it was far too hot to enjoy, late last night.

One man told our reporter: "I like it hot but it's been a little too hot of late. Like I always say to the wife, I like hot food but put too much chili in and it ruins the whole meal. The Sun was too much chili in the meal of summer last week, if you understand what I'm saying."

Another said: "I bought a new umbrella for the summer and imagine my horror that it's just sitting there gathering dust."

Experts claim that summer weather will return to normal heat for the next few weeks after the hottest period since Jurassic World was on for real the first time.

The scorcher continues.

Also In Today's Paper:

How To Drink Too Much Alcohol And Fall Over

Are Topless Charity Car Wash's Just A Gimmick?

How To Eat An Apple

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5746 - CABBAGE AND PESTO SOUP
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Phoooo-weeee. That was a hot summer. Thank heavens it's over now. There's only so much ice cream, chocolate, cake, sugary drinks, beer and chips you can eat in one day to keep cool.

Yours, Jeremy Fringehopper

Dear Sir,

I am very lazy and can never be arsed to stretch my arm out to take a selfie, preferring to ask someone else to take the picture instead. So my question is, is it still a selfie if someone takes a picture of me if I have asked them to do it?

Yours, Barry Knobber

Dear Sir,

I always celebrate independence day on 4th July even though I am not an American. This year I ate 162 hot dogs in 13 hours, is it a record?

Yours, Shelly English